i feel better now. i promised. i still have a boring day ahead of me. its new years eve and i should be at a party.

your fogar

im not deep. i just wrote things. pointless things. and put them out here. when i first started this thing. i ment it to be a way of getting out feelings. they werent supposed to get out to people. just out of my head. did i give too much? maybe. but no. i know you too. you think i dont know when your trying so hard. i know that you can jump up and say this is a new day. there always that one thing you do wrong. you look at it in your head and say what could i have done differently. you think why did he make me another flower? why is he so depressed? you blaim your self. then blaim me. you sleep. you feel like your cheating on me when you think of other people. its hard. to love someone so much and want to live your own life. you dont have to do this and that so someone would be happy. it used to be fun. its mutual. yes. you look away when your bored. you sing when your bored. i want everything to stop what it is. i want to be together. not how it was. not how it is. not how it was going to be. stop.

your fogar

i hate this damn esc button. i type up things all the time and when i just about done i rest my hand on the end of the keyboard and i hit the esc button. dont mean too. not at all. i lose alot of ideas that way. lost email, blogs, reports, the whole thing too. i just hate it. i never use it. purposly anyway. im going to rip off that button and put tape all over it so theres no wa to hit that button again. i just hate it! so much. so much.

your angry fogar

everythings just here to confuse me. empathy, i need to start using it again. im sorry. i need to look and put myself where they are. oh you feel bad, good for you. me i feel terrible. your friends sick great im sad. my problems worse. im smart, god damn it....oooo...thats just perfect. i dont care anymore. my lifes ok. im alive as somepeople would say. good for you. i just had to get things out of my head. its my head! stay out of it. one nose is clogged but no one nose. money is likes words. they only mean something if you believe they do. i talk in parables. like jesus. its not mumbleing, its parables. comparing my self to jesus. downfall of the beatles. downfall of me? the talk of life after these problems. fun oh so fun to me. my depression let me live it. putting you down was never ment. im sorry. tallking in my sleep my father told me. he never told me what i said. dreams of losing my manhood for pleasure and pain, gaining it back with great risk. someone takes it away. steals is for themself. i make do and rebuild what was mine. i had a dream before like that. but it was my family who had mistaken my life as nurishment. made it worthless. powerful dreams come when the head is active. you fall right asleep but your mind takes over. im getting pissed at your hurtful jokes. laughing at my life. im going to make fun of you. since your in such a playful mood.

your fogar

i learned that i dont trust. i lost that a long time ago. i said i trust too much. i was wrong. i didnt put enough trust in people. i was hurting people and my self in the process. im trying to reteach myself how to think. to think positively and to trust. its a habit that i must relearn. for i lost it and now i could lose more if i cant remember what is too much. i was too serious. not enough fun. all i seem to do is remold myself into something which never works. maybe it will this time. i just hope everything works out alright. nevermind....

your fogar

i feel retarded. this site is an outlet. and yet it doesnt seem like it used to. ive talked about many different things. things on my mind. i pretty much seem a little too emotinal about things. once my perception changed, my whole way of dealing with things changed. before everything was so concrete. stealings bad, even if its for your own starving family. i wouldnt steal for my starving family. and now well of course i would if i was starving but that doesnt seem likely to happen. i have a good life, but it sure doesnt seem like it. things change. before when i saw a girl crying because her boyfriend broke up with her i laughed in my head. you know it wasnt going to really last your intire life. i dont know. maybe later.

your fogar

built in one night. how is everything built back in one night? how does it seem to be destroyed the next morning? happyness comes and goes. can trust? what i want to know is everything. im a friend too. feel how does it feel? i hate questions. do they help? they search but for what? questions. fun annoying litttle questions. start something, end it all. laughter is good in certain times. if im sad do i like it when people laugh at me. not really. i put people down. sometimes you think your having more trouble than everyone else. yet you know alot of people have it alot harder than you. you just want everyone to stop just for you and notice but they dont. it keeps going. moving. like nothing happened. someone may stop and help you up but they can't fill that hole. new things come and go. some leave imprints in you, some as small as the icecream man. people care. there is someone out there. i remember when i was a person who cared about someone. they didnt know i cared but i did. days go by and you forget. forget people. others you dont. somepeople are always there. in your head. firsts, lasts, and the one person that was different. if you can touch someone in some way that no one else ever did. then you accomplished something great.

your fogar

i talk about how funny life is and how there are so many coincidences coming from everywhere. for example. i can get a ride anywhere but i have nowhere to go. one persons telling me to do what im trying to do, the same person im trying not to let take over my life. proving they're wrong. proving to myself im independant. i shouldnt be like this. i shouldnt let the attention i get take over me.

was today a break. i had a dream. i was at a school. not really mine but i was comfortable enough. for some reason i looked back and saw you. i didnt know what to do. i started to smile but then i notice what you told me and i turned around. you were just standing there looking in at me. at my back. i then woke up. i went back to sleep. i remember some other things. in a different part, there was a girl. i dont know who she was. no one i know but she was all over me. we were talking and then it got different. then i saw you in my head and stopped. i left and layed down. why is it that when were free we cant move? we cant move at all. i can go anywhere, but. theres nothing i want more to do than what i cant. and thats to walk. walk with you.

stress is fun. it pushes you to do what naturally you wouldnt do. it goes by fast. the days. it doesnt seem fun at the time but it sure changes things. thats how stress comes about. it comes when something threatens or opportunity knocks your head off. sometimes you want that change or you dont. paper due, you dont do it you fail. might fail the course if it threatens enough. you could have a job opportunity. you work really hard if you do well you might get it. if you dont you wont. sometimes its both. you could lose you job or get a better one. you could pass and its the grade that helps or fail and it helps you fail. its the knifle that comes to cut the turkey. or to cut your wrist. its like saying dogs are depressed only when you throw them over a fifty story building. are you playing or not?

your fogar

old aquantences. i feel like im trying to be something else. im writing whats not me when i read it back. i hate using some words. like poser. i hate it but everyone is a poser. you pretend. if i could be myself i would sleep naked eat everything wear my favorite coat and nothing else. no pants, no shoes. just me, my coat, and the fresh winter air. then id fly to school with my wings from the pads i bought. i mean would buy. forgetting friends is hard to do. especially when they mean so much to you. do you know whos that guy all alone?

your fogar

yeah. patience is nothing more than procrastination. if i could spell.

a fogar

feeling tired. today didnt go as expected. activities i expected didnt happen. activities i wanted to happen werent possible. but some good did come out of it like bob said. i found my book. i wanted to read the book "El Club Dumas". and i finally found it. its starts with "the" instead of "el" sometimes but you dont really care. it just wanted to really read this book. the movie "The Ninth Gate" was based on it. thats my second favorite movie. i was just happy because i couldnt find it in the bok store and the copies i could order were very expensive. from $50 to $130 sum dollars. yeah my personality has changed. im happy with things. they arent great but im not dying over them anymore. no more cutting. another thing about my weekend that i found out today will help me out in a way. im happy. is that what matters. happyness. i dont know. im losing attention. thats good, but i dont want to be dragged into a depression again. attention comes from sadness. attention creates happyness. well sometimes it doesnt though. there is such thing as too much. all i want is the people close to stay close. change is bad. change is good. change is confusing. but amusing. im in a tight squeeze this month. i dont know how but everything will turn out ok. it always does somehow. unless caught off gaurd. i remember when my family was going out to dinner and a phonecall came that destroyed the rest of our summer. thats all life needs is one phone call. one word. and it all ends.

your fogar

the smoking head of bob apparently says that it is decidedly so that im going to have a good day tomarrow. tomarrow feels like an okay day. i dont know im guessing. my face hurts. its really irritated today for some reason. im good. well everything feels eriely ok. i think its just that im not used to being fine. maybe everythings going to get better. or maybe this is a peak waiting to end. i dont know. i hate my hypothalamus. thats where our hopes, dreams, fears, and sensations come from. im just a confused little person in a confused little world. everyone is. im starting to talk about things on my mind now. i guess thats good. but their werent many questions that arouse today. well i was eating a taco today. a real mexican food taco that my parents cooked up. they bearly ever cook food for dinner so this was surprising a first. i ate all the leftover tacoswith were like four. and the last one had something in it. it was a hard piece of bone. i hate that. then it just rolling threw my head when am i going to find another. i was lucky it was the last one. thats happened to me plenty of times before. i just hate it. yes we get normal ground beef. i guess they ground alot more into the beef than what their sometimes seems to be in it. food. food has changed humans for the worst. our bodies were built for lasting weeks without food because we used to be hunter and gatherers. the agriculture was discovered. then people could settle down. then technology for agriculture grew better. now most people have more than enough food to eat. somepeople still dont though. more people are becoming obease and diabetic. girls reach puberty alot earlier than before. the miracle of menstrantion used to occur at the age of 16 now it drastically decreased. i could say more on that matter but i dont want to sound obsessed with the idea of menstration. well. people are growing taller too. only a hundred years ago ten year olds and fourteen year olds and kids around that age were alot shorter than the kids aorund that age now. acne and crooked teeth are accounted by diet too. hormone levels are easily imbalanced with the change of diet. same with the timeing of teeth. more and more kids need braces. this is more of a problem than it seems i think. change is good but most of the time its bad.

your fogar

my brains been hurting all day. its school time again and its monday. monday after thanksgiving break. aways a very awaited day. i wish i could speak sarcastically on my computer but theres no real way i can. its funny how culture on the computer has evolved over only a few years. i remember when the internet was just something i heard about and wanted but never had. now it seems to be a neccessity. i have to type papers for school now or else i get 5 points off. that sucks. i like to write on paper more than typing. i can type words that come out. its just i hate copying words. i mean rought drafts and information. yeah. anyways its funny how people have the smiley faces and codes and all. i dont do that but thats just the person i am. i dont capitalize words. thats something i guess. i dont know i remember watching tv and finding out that there some new for of code on the internet. ooooo. amazing. i was trying to be sarcastic again. sucks. well its not as great or amazing as it seems but at least i dont have to capitalize every sentence i write.

your fogar

laughters a good thing. ok, heres a joke. "what do you a call an armless and legless man shaving?"

your fogar

whats MY release? where am I going? what about ME? questions about ME. you need to ask yourself what about me. pay attention to yourself more. i dont give myself enough credit. i have so much yet i dont give myself credit for it. ask yourself questions about yourself. todays thanksgiving. a holiday that wasnt really supposed to catch on. it was a one time holiday that just happened to be for only one day in only one year. the president made declaired it a holiday the second year in a row and it just caught on. wasnt really ment to be about americans and pilgrims but turned out to be. funny how things happen. it was a day of togetherness bettween two groups now its a holiday between families. this day went well id say. played cards all day. thats it. no fighting so im happy. usually some fight breaks out but not this time. things are getting better though it doesnt seem that way for other people.on thanksgiving i dont thank everyone. instead i thank myself. thats not selfish. sometimes unselfishness is self destructiveness. take care of yourself. you should be the most important person in your life for it is your life and only yours.

your fogar

whos better than who. i know you want to be better than everyone else. somepeople even make their mind think that. i used to do that. i used to make myself believe i was better than everyone else. id put people down and walk off like nothing happened. now it sticks with me. if i say something wrong it sticks. i used to be a jackass to alot of people. now i try to not put anyone down and see the good in people. before i didnt care about life. i do now though. when your free you dont care. not careing is a problem. your just spreading negativity around instead of facing it. hurting somone can seem indolent. you dont even know its hurting them little by little. it is though. be happy with people. if their is no one to share with their is no happyness at all. are you better than someone. pesimisticism is the best thing to use. but dont put yourself down too much because you can become self destructive. it is better to compliment people than to scorn. its good to say i can do better to yourself than to have someone telling you you can do better. of course in a way its a compliment but in another it isnt for some reason. suggestion is the key. i cant stress that enough. suggest dont tell. dont be afraid to use constructional critisism. just make sure you dont suck much either. i hate hipocrits. however you spell it. im not good at spelling. im a hipocrit. i say to do one thinga nd i do another. i hate it. i want to do what i say but it doesnt work that way sometimes. dont pick out peoples inperfections and make them feel less of a person. that just sucks to hear things like that. your hairs ugly, your teeth are ugly. blah blah blah. thats not constructional. thats hurtful. things like i like it when you put your hair up or when you put it down. if its such things where you cant suggest, make good comments when they look nice. just make a person happy. youll feel it too. you shouldnt do something you know youll regret. if it hurts dont hurt it. change it. comment the good. make people feel special. suggest!

your fogar

force again all. my heads wrong. how does the day after feel like a useless day. i havent done anything today worth remembering. yesturday was a busy day. it was a full day i should say. it was a good day. full of recreation, progress, and fun. im slapped down again. im sorry i have a sort of writers block. im not angry. theres worry but not for me really. put out alot of emotion yesturday in strength and mentality. anonimity is a meaning i must know. i can only contimplate its meaning. words have no reason unless we put reason behind them. the english language has now over 500,000 words. thats more words than any other language. yet we only uses hundreds. who put those meanings in those words. we did. if we use them too much do they lose their meaning? i think they only lose meaning if you let them. ive said the word "meaning" so much and yet the point is met. the strickingness of words are lost at somepoint. i used to never use some words. i tryed to avoid them. strickingness was strong in some of those words. it still is in some. others not much. would you pay someone to say every word in the english language to say everyword to you 50 times? somepeople would. words lose meaning if you let them. remember when "neat" was a "cool" word? did it lose meaning or did you just grow up?

your fogar

i cant tell if people lie to me. im not that kind of person. i trust people. i kid around though. when i do i make it obvious though. i dont know its confusing. my grandpa kids around so much me and my father have a phrase for it now. when anyone says they're kidding we say "you kid around too much i dont know when your telling the truth or when your not." its confusing. if your lying people will notice somehow. but i dont. i go on trust. you give them the choice. i wont find out but i sure get confused. and concerned. the thing is to not ask too much or soon your asking will create a problem. i hate it when people ask me but they care. they really do

your fogar

you can never convince someone of something different from what they have been taught. you can but its not that easy. you must be open to all ideas. people hold strong to religion. they say your wrong and they're right. you on the other hand say they're wrong and your right. unless your open to it though. parents are a big factor on what a child knows. they say my daddy told me that brown cows make chocolate milk. for a while a child will believe that. he will not even believe his friends untill proven wrong. usually that will be by a teacher or a book. anyone inferior is wrong to them. if i told you that i ate pizza today would you believe me. most likely because it make no difference if i did or didnt. so you proving me wrong is kind of pointless. on the otherhand if i said abraham lincon is on the five dollar bill because hes the fifth president of the USA then youd probably say i was wrong. either because you know he isnt or because your not sure but you dont want to fully adopt my interpretation. in otherwords we dont believe everything people say. even if they are very trusted. we only trust ourselves and our superiors. do you trust televison? the day you start trusting televison is the day you let everything go. it may sound bad but actually that is a good thing. you need to let go. trusting people is a dangerous thing i know. but if everyone trusted eachother then the truth would come.

your fogar

blub blub. i was walking home with my neighbor friday. he kicked something in the leaves and called it what seemed to be blub blub. i guess people need to think about themselves more. ive been trying not to think too much about other people for a while now. it never works. i always worry and wish. you know youve heard that its better to give than recieve. well you can give too much and be too generous that you are left with nothing but happy friends and an empty heart. you need to let yourself recieve. sometimes even though i know people care i feel like they dont. people do. they care. sometimes you need to go through life without someone holding your hand. you need to cry for yourself and noone else. not because of what people think of you. not because you did something. not because someone else was hurt but because you need to. people are there to help you and to hurt you. you need to find out your passafires and needels. what keeps you calm and whatmakes you cry. sometime what you kick youll find out to be your passafire.

yellow fellow bellow mellow tellow. today sucked. today was great. if you just take time to sit down and talk to someone. it sometimes can make a whole world of difference. ive heard all the stories. the one about the suicidal man. he was walking down the street and he said that if the next person who walks bye doesnt say hi he'll kill his self. a person walks by, no hi. he like ok im going to kill myself. the a little girl on a bigwheel comes down and says with a big smile hello! and hes like maybe i wont. i hate using stories like that but yeah it happens. i was looking for excuses when there was a big one right in from of me. so many reasons but one excuse is all you need to change you mind. simple things. simple things is all you need to give. but sometimes its hard when your a giver but never seem to be a reciever. you do recieve though. more than you think. you recieve so much. just remember to give. even if its just some time. sit down with someone and say hello hows everything.

your fogar

attention. everybody wants attention. you see annoying people. funny people. interesting people. mean people. and..and..i hate to say this word. its not even in my vocabulary but howshall i say this? athletic people. anyways. attention drives people. sometimes a person will be sad to get attention. i dont know. i think that could actually be why ive been sad lately. i dont want the attention because im sad but i do. the thing is when someones down i try not to pay attention to them too much. it could actually make things worse. people need attention. that why somepeople who cant take peopkle usually have pets. some people resort to other things like music and tv. occupying your self and stimulating your mind is something you must do. attention is just a life long quest in which we seek peoples thoughts so we can share our own. the thing is the reason we listen to others is actually so we can tell them our own ideas. look at it this way. its an exchange of ideas. you must listen to tell. respect and be respected. you want attention from people. i spend too much time doing nothing that when i do have time to do something i dont want to sit around. i want to do something. anything. stimulate my mind. if you want to share ideas find an outlet. then let it flow.

your fogar

i never had it. i never knew many people. i can see through people, yes. i can know what kind of person someone is. but i dont know them. i dont know anyone. not even me. im sick. not sick as in physically having a cold. i dont have a mental disease. unless you mean myself. being myself is a mental disease. im sick in the head. im controlable. to an extent. now im mad. im laughed at. forget it. forget it. im done. if you want to forget things occupy your self. but if your as lucky as me. you dont have anything to do. i only have three activities of the week besides school and sleep. and one person on my mind. it sucks. i want to have everything out of my head now. yes there are voices in my head. do you know what they say? they say what should be said. what should be done.

your fogar

now i typed up a nice entry for today about if onlys. how ironic is it that it happened to be erased? im angry now but im fine. everything is good. i was pretty bad earlier today. i was so confused and out of it today that someone said i was acting like an old man. an old man that is very confused and lost. i just needed to get everything out. at the end of the day my favorite person came up to me smileing and gave me a big hug which seemed to last forever. i squeezed her so hard and i didnt want to let go. that made my day. some people were asking me if i was alright today. it seems to happen alot to me lately. the truth is they usually are right though. i really cant talk about this again. dont you hate it when people do that. you ask them what they said and they say forget it. but you want to know . you want to know what they said or what they ment. but they wont tell you. sometime they tell you and you didnt want to know that. sometimes when they say you dont want to know. take their word for it. its like xmas presents. you know you can go look at them but if you do its not going to be what you expected. just boring old presents that you dont want. yet you can do anything about them. well better luck next year.

your fogar

im am too sick to do anything but yet i find myself doing everything im supposed to. i cant rest. not till all is finished. i just found out someone was mad at me. i was kidding around but i made them mad. i did regret what i did that day. and now i wish i could take back that intire day. things happen for a reason. no not really. there is no reason for anything that happens.

your fogar

why is it so hard to feel secure? is it because im so used to not feeling secure that when i am i feel like there is a problem with the security i have? i think your right. i dont think ive ever been sure of anything since i was a child. before jr. high. before all that i was sure of everything execpt what restaurant i wanted to go to. im still not sure of that either. if im so secure than why do i feel like ive been hit by a truck in my head twice. i know tomarrow im going to walk right back in the middle of the street. im going to lay down and the same things going to happen tomarrow. and the day after that. come pick me up. get hit with me. thats not empathy thats a friend. my neighbors cat died last week. the one day i walked to the bus a different way. the one day i was so late that i ran to the bus stop through the grass. if i went the normal way i would have seen a dying cat. i could have done something. maybe not saved him but i could have i dont know. do something. to some people a cat may seem insignificant. to other a cat may mean their life to them. their cat is their security. they know that someone will always come back as long as they give them food. maybe thats why you see old people feeding the birds. they always come back. the old people. they always come back.

your fogar

i dont know if its being sick which has made today so wrong or that ive done nothing right today. i wish i could take back today. i wish i could take back my life. but i dont believe in that. i cant. i hate beliefs and religions. they always hold back so much more. so much more ideas and possibilities. today just didnt seem to go right at all. everything i said was wrong. everything i did was wrong. i was worried about someone today but that was resolved. my day sucked from the begining. late up. i was so sick on the bus i couldnt take it any longer. hearing of a neighbor dying and workplace burning down didnt really help. they werent my neighbor and job but it didnt help. my eyes shook today. i think being sick changes your intire way of thinking. my mood changed form a sure person to a person who didnt care. you never seem to care what someone is talking about. all you care about is getting through the day with out doing anything you regret. well i regret today. intirely. when your sick apparently it turns robotic. all you want to do is get through the day. adolecents is a sickness. and the only cure is time. all you want to do is get through the day. get through it without regreting anything.

your fogar

little children are fun to some. little children are annoying to others. i see little children as something i lost. something i crave. little children always seem happy, sad, or tired. never robotic as i like to say. my life used to be so robotic. full of i dont know. i dont care. whatevers and leave me alones. i was always watching tv or eating. i want to be a child again. courious about everything, free of restraint and care. but i have responsibilities. some people dont see that they have responsibilities though. things like drinking egts on my nerves. it turns responsible adults into children. free of care about anyone or anything. they destroy their lives and their friends live without restraint. they dont care if someones crying. if their life is endanger or if someone elses life is. i hate it. i want to be free of care but i already had my full of that. i have to act my age and take on my life by myself. people depend on me. i cant depend on everyone to do everything for me anymore. i want to have a full life and i cant do that with someone holding my hand. i like kids but i can only take them for so long. i cant take a full grown adult acting like that for long either. grow up people. learn that if you cant live your life your self give it to someone. get somehelp. but dont depend on anyone but your self. find a reason. a drive. let that be your buzz. let that get you up in the morning. let it bring out the best of you.

your fogar

now im sure. now i know. im so happy. it feels very good to be sure of yourself of everything. even though most of you probably just went out trick or treating or handing out candy. i went to church. im not all that strong in the religious section but i knew why i was there so i didnt mind at all. relationships are really hard when you bearly get to see them. but when you do see them, you know whatever suffering there seemed to be doesnt matter. it was all worth it. long distance relationships are hard. really hard. they get unbearable sometimes but if its worth it youll get through it. i feel so stupid now. but at least im happy. that the main point in life right happyness. mentally speaking. physically speaking its reproduction. as in if you dont reproduce then life wont go on. it wont continue. happyness is freedom from everything that will be, is, or was sad. if there is no comparison there is no happyness. happyness comes with great sadness. remember that and you will find happyness out of the worst situation.

your fogar

i have a new outlook on life. i tried something today. i actually did something spontanious that i wanted to do. for me. im pissed today though. today was not a good day. it started right when i woke up. i woke up 20 mintues earlier than im suppose to wake up. then i went back to sleep and woke up 20 minutes later than im supposed to wake up. so i was rushing in the morning. then i was pulled off the bus and yelled at by the bus driver for something i didnt do. when i got to school i had to finsih home work but i couldnt get it all done. i dont know school just sucks. i know whats bothering me now. but i feel like i can do anything about it. theres always that feeling. and whenever i try to do something about it all i do is dig myself deeper and deeper. i slept the rest of the way home. no good reason to be awake. the feeling of things slipping away. the feeling of losing. the feeling that ive already lost. it makes me so made at myself. all im doing is getting unwanted attention somedays. today i did. i moved to a different place for once. i was so happy. i did somthing good to someone today. i made someone smile. i gave someone else something. i made them smile too. it made me smile for what i did. but still that feeling of loss is eating away at me everyday. i need communication. i want my life back.

your ..fogar

im happy. just talking sometimes gets me. hopefully it will be ok. i like talking to people face to face. but sometimes thats impossible. the was something someone said today that really got me thinking. he said,"there is only one difference between two things". that had me thinking what he ment. i mean this guys like my twin. i never really thought there was anyone like me until i met this guy this year. he two years older than me. doesnt look a thing like me. but we think so much alike its uncanny. i never really caught it until the other peoples at the table pointed it out. we've become slight friends i guess. mainly in that one class. its just weird finding out there really are people like you. you talk like you. think like you. act like you. i mean your friends pick up traits and sayings sometimes. but a complete stranger who i have never known. i dont know why but it makes me happy. i though everyone who acted like me was either murdered or misteriously vanished. im a careful person so i thought i was always lucky. i dont know. i do have a talent of seeing into people. you can tell a person just by their name what kind of person they are. its discrimiation. but the main key is to think positive. negative points corrupt the true person. you can tell a nice person from a mean person by their face. but you have to look past all the makeup. i dont like makeup much. it takes away from the real persons beauty. its just lies. i hate lies. there are people like you. even if there arent words to describe you, there are people like you.

your fogar

i was really happy earlier today and now i feel terrible. i dont know i cant let it go. just in a bad mood right now. i hope everything turns out alright. i dont know. i hate how my mood can change with just one little mistake. the thing is i dont want to dwell on it either. i like the idea of forgive and forget. aww forget it. good news for the site. i added a counter (thats the cube on the bottom) and ive been trying to publicize the site on different search engines. i guess that something to be happy about. not much but ok. i was happy because i actually got something i was waiting for since friday. just made my day. all you need is one good thing and it can last a long time. or at least make you happy for once. somedays i can take it and someother days i cant. lately i havent been trying to take much initiative because usually its me doing much of everything. i dont know. im just making up excuses arent i? well i will do something about it now i guess. i dont want to crawl into bed and feel sorry for myself. i havent done that for a while and im not going to start now. its been good actually doing something with my life. its not much but i am doing something again. i went outside and did yard work. i should work harder on school though. that deserves alot of attention. you should actually try if you dont. i bearly try at all. i really should then i might surprise myself like i usually do unlike last year. last year i ignored school almost completely. you know one good thing about today was that i read my short story in class. i actually asked if i could read it. i got up there and everyone laughed there heart out. even though ive read it like ten times i still laughed. it was a great story of how a man went through a terrible ordeal with his obsession. he kills a man and sees how wrong his obsession was. he saw how it got way too out of hand. it was funny. im happy now. thankyou.

your fogar

i made a bad decision. i guess ill have to live with it. i took a nap and now im all alone. im too tired to do anything. im all alone today. i want to go to the party. i want to talk on the phone. i want to have fun. i want to help people. i want to be productive. i want to be socialible. i want to see my friends. i want to see what has been happening. i want to do something. i dont want to crawl into bed and feel sorry for myself. i wish i could at least take a walk down by the river without feeling scared. we all have our places of enlightenment. im just wasting my life now. i could have done something today. people wanted me to go. i was going to go. but then i got tired slept throught everything and now i have no ride anywhere. i made a promise i think and now so far i dont think i will be able to keep it and is sucks so bad! my promises are not made to be broken. i tell people ill do something if i mean to really try. i promise people when i give my word. when i give my word that means ill do everything in my power to do what i said i would. fuck why couldnt today have turned out prefect. why didnt i call earlier. why didnt i go to the party. fuck.

your fogar

not the best past few days. adolecents a bitch. i hate it. your minds developing and turning from a child with no care in the world to an adult who actually thinks about things. i think too much. i worry about things. i worry about people other than myself. things that i thought would never matter to me do. i used to never cry at funerals. now i cry when someones sad. physically my brain is changing and will continue too. i hate it. i hate posers too. i mean we all are actually. i lost my inasence or what ever and now its like i try to hold onto it as hard as i can. but inside you start dying. you dont really know whats wrong. you have an idea but you dont want to believe it. you feel like there is no reason to keep living. it turns your life into a hunt to find a reason. any little reason is enough to save you. but sometimes people dont have any little reason and then something triggers it. triggers and attempt. i can never try because i know ill do it right. ill kill my self. guys are more likely to succeed in a suicide. girls are likely to fail. more guys die than girls from suiside even though more girls try to kill themselves. trust is a big factor. if you cant trust anyone you allways scared even of you best friend. if you trust too much you get hurt too much because people will do things you dont approve of. they have lives and so do you. i trust people too much. but im learning. i used to believe in everything. i used to believe in nothing. now im confused. im never sure anymore. do you have that feeling. like your lost in something that never makes sense. like your never youself anywhere. you not yourself even in your own head. i wish i could leave everything and drive off by myself with no care in the world. thats impossible for me though. i care too much about people, things, and my own life. being careful can be good for you but it can also kill you. you must take chances. you must have a reason. i spent last year looking for a reason. when i didnt find one i gave up. i was my own reason. i had a real best friend who i could really talk to but i lost them. but after so many problems came and went i met someone. someone who cared. then i had a reason.

your fogar

happy happy day! never a prefect day but today was close. missed my ride, and well some things need to be said. well off that uncomfortable note that you dont understand. i used a finger ball today at a bowling alley. i actually did pretty good. you dont care do you. sorry. people actually care as much as you do. even if you dont think they do. i know that but its just hard to understand how someone really could.it feels good. i wish i could say more but im making today short. you are good people. everyone is.

your fogar.

im never sure about anything. im one of those people who are never sure of what they want. when i go to buy clothes it takes me a few trips to many different stores to find something i like. there for i have many blank shirts with nothing on them. its hard enough finding good shirts with nothing on them that are not made of tissue paper. pants are another thing. i dont like jeans on me. i dont own any jeans. they are always too tight. i dont even know what my favorite color is. i dont know my favorite food. i dont know my favorite store. i do know my favorite thing to do and my favorite place to be. i dont know how people can have a gigantic wardrobe of clothes they like. its easier to find good long sleeve shirts but you can only wear them at a certain time or else i get too hot. im always hot. i hat eit when people yell or talk about someone they dont know. i hate it. dont yell at me. you dont know what i go through. i dont know what you go through. i thought you were a nice person. why do people treat others so badly because of there own mistakes. i hate it i hate it.i hate it.

im sorry about today but i cant ask. when ever im in a bad mood im always confused or mad. i was mad you left me. i was mad you werent grounded. i dont know exactly why though. i was happy one second then mad. i should have been over joyed. im sorry. i was mainly confused today. i wasnt comfortable today. it was so stressful that a got a nosebleed. the first time i got one in a while. no i wasnt picking my nose or in anyfight. ive had one in chours durring school. i used to have a bloodstain on my shoe but i washed off after a year or so. thank god for icecream.

your fogar

i can wait forever. it may be hard but i dont care. will you wait for me? i dont want to end the beginings of such happyness. i had a great sleep yesturday knowing of what i wanted to do. its good, this feeling. i wish there was something i could do to help you out. it sucks feeling this powerless to help. i dont care about passionate sex. i dont care about what it is we do. all i care about is the time we spend together. with you the time is limited but worth so much more. now time is limited that ever. the only time we see each other is in school. but seeing you in school is like looking at a picture. im feeling like a fool and its making me sicker. being sick is better than dying. i can take sickness but death i dont know. i dont want to remember you as the one i let go of. you cant rape the willing but you sure can try.

your fogar

one day is all it takes. all it takes to remind you of the day it all started, and why. why did i hold on. why did i care. why did i give. why did i feel. why did i want some one to care. now i remember why. i remember why everything happened. the feeling of someone there next to you is all needed to remember why. i do it all again for a day like that.

i hate talking about people. i hate saying things needed to be said. i hate it when people change. even for the better its still different from how it was. things change, people change. why do things always seem to be terrible but work out? why? if i know im going to be hurt. is it worth what will be waiting for me in the end. i saw what ive been waiting for but why is it so hard.

your fogar

i feel better now. i was happy yesturday until, well. i feel better than i did in the morning and yesturday night. you learn something new everyday about people. many changes have happened this day. this always seem to work out. i dont know how but well i dont know. im still confused. i guess ill have to see what the next day brings. each day your should try to learn something new. even if its that they only sell hp sauce in england. it can be big or small. a day you dont learn is wasted time. and you dont have time to waste time. i feel free and unobligated but i still care. its a weird feeling of i hate saying but peace. no worries, just unanswered questions.

i hate it when people tell me to read something. i mean suggesting a good book is ok. but someone telling you to read a book by a due date or someone telling you to read when you dont have time. heres a good new thing that you might learn. the truth is that suggesting someone to do something is more effective than telling. it is true. i have been in a special traing course. they said that the only thing better than suggestion is setting an example. so set the example. i hate saying that but please. learn.

your fogar

rewalking that path is but a dream. circuling the path is your troubles. walking off the path is cheating your self. walking backwards is cheating others. walking over mountains is you triumph. i hate sayings like that. so many says are stupid. i hate i hate i hate sayings. not because of who says them but that they are always right. they seems wrong at one point but past that point then you see what was ment. once old youll wish you were a kid again. when you are a kid you wanted to be older. when older you want to be younger. when does that change. give it time. i dont have time. time heals all. i dont have time. time goes by and they are right. one desition postponed can help you see what you didnt before when you were blinded. when you were once mad you are now happy. i hate metafores and similies. i hate poems. i hate rymes. i hate limits. i hate pointy things. i hate paint. i hate color. i hate technology. i hate love. i hate lust. i hate everything. i hate how things always turn out right. i hate how movies always have good endings. i hate the repetitive story lines of books. i hate predictability. i hate not talking to people face to face.

gloryous days never come without the beginnings of the end. happyness comes with great sadness. cacophiloty. leave the past in the past, the time is now. 2 wrongs dont make a right, but three rights make a left. cat mandune i guess.

your fogar

new friends are fun to meet. how does one mistake turn into a good day. all you can do is go with it and it turned out well. pretending im batman is fun. but why do i talk about batman so much that yesturday at the lollypop machine it played the old batman song. that was a good day. i had to call collect for a ride which was a little hassel but everything was good. it was great. i feel happy. i feel happy. just dont hit me in the head so you can take me out of that world of crap. that you though. i feel happy. if i died would someone notice? oh yeah people take attendence at school. they would know. is that it. how would you find out. would there be an announcment? would they care. possibly. they would do that for anyone. some one would cry. it doesnt matter who died. some one cares. someone even if it seems everyone doesnt. i feel happy.

your fogar

when you go outside all you can do is hope for the best. take it all in and dont let it put you down. i see people do that and i dont know how. some how though i see myself doing the same thing. but when i come home i feel like a failure. like i failed something. something that i actually acheived. im happy but worried. then i see that the other person feels just like me and when ive been asking for love. i see they want it too. im sorry. i see what i have done. i hope to make it up to you. i will make it up to you. i have to fortify. there are many different things i could say. i could talk about the floating orange peels that no person notices. you would not have known they exsisted unless i told you. funny thing is i trust so much but yet im full of worries. thats the problem with a memory. you cant let go of something unless you really let go. some people forget. it sticks in my mind and eats away at me. eats untill i break. that happpened yesturday. and you know what all i needed to hear was? i just wanted to hear someone loved me. just because i didnt hear it the day before. i didnt really say it that day. but i did yesturday. i hate saying what other people need but i know that sometimes you need to hear that too.

your fogar

im dying here. help me. i wish it could be the way it was. when there were no worries anymore. im not mad that you talked. im mad that you never said you love me. i thought we were good. god i hate life. you never know how good you had it till your unsure. why dont you call me. you want to know what made me really mad yesturday. when you were laughing, i was crying. when you were singing, i was dying. im dying. when i needed to talk to you. you werent there. you never were. i dont know why im crying. i hate it when people cry about pointless things. like i knew this was going to happen again. just not this soon. not THIS soon. i have never had one fully happy day in my life. i thought that would change. come on give me something to work with. do you want me to break up with you? ive been feeling like you have. i heard you were going to break up with me. believe me i was too. but i didnt. you didnt either. i thought that ment something. life is not good.

some fogar

good night. good day. i feel much better. a good talk always works out what matters. there is something that confuses me. it doesnt matter. lifes confusing eat it up. stay out till welcomed but help till refused. to comfort someone ive learned that you should talk about good things that have happened. i learned that the hard way. im going up to the country. where am i going to go? i wish i knew. im glad i dont. knowing your future is never the best thing. you can never predict it. only after the day is over can you see the coincidence of how things fell in place. how do things fall in place. home work is done. life is good

your fogar

talk to me. tell me how you feel please. im dying here. people scare me. im mainly confused. ever get into a relationship where you love the person so much but it doesnt feel like its going anywhere. all you seem to do is get hurt. you see i dont love many things. i care too much about everything. i care about just about everyone i know. i hate talking about other people i know. i really hate talking about people i dont know. mainly because i dont know any of the sercomstances. ill stand by anyone and believe they made the right desitition. i dont know how to spell well so if you show me ill trust you. ive trusted in people too much in the past. now its hard for me to trust. bear with me though. i can forgive. i can empathize. i hate that part about me. i have too much empathy. can you really see how i feel? compare something that happened to you to my situation. heres an example if youve never been in a relationship. have you ever felt so sick that you would die. you knew you wouldnt die but it just hurt you not only on the outside but in the inside. that inside feeling is how i feel. i feel like shit because i love but somehow im hurt. give me one good reason to hate you. i want someone to show me they care. maybe thats my problem though. do i show people i care. do i show my love. should i show my love. i want to stay together and see us become something new.

the reason i cant trust, i wish you could see. forgiving is a must, especially for me.

your fogar confused but slightly happy

ha. its funny how one thing can change you intire day. i have never had one real ful good day in i cant remember. i thought today would be one un til like an hour ago. ahhhhhhhhhh......leave me alone for a second please. i cant take it. im confused now. are you comming are going. tell me what you want. if some one said they almost your spent your money and asked if you were mad what would you say first? i was confused. what do you mean spent my money? did you borrow money? i dont know if im mad at you yet slow down. you confuse me when you only have time to talk for a minute. they dont tell you what happened all they say is they almost spent it. then they leave. no love just bye. hard to understand them. you probably cant understand me. i cant either. im confused. im mad now because i want to know what you were talking about. dont leave someone hanging on a good day. never leave somehanging. do you still love me?

your fogar...i hope

"a new outlook brightens your image and brings new friends." so says my fortune cookie today. it makes sence too. yesturday i let something go. i threw the rock that forced me to stay the way i was away. it was hard to throw it into the water but i did. a month ago i was so depresed that i took a walk in the cemetary down the street. i sat by the water and wrote one name on a rock that i threw into the water and another name on another rock that i put back on the ground. it is complicated but it symbolized me letting somone go and keeping another. well i went back yesturday and threw that rock i put back into the water. i hate symbolizim. now i am free. i have a new outlook and i siad hi to an old friend who i probably wouldnt have if i didnt throw the rock away. they are a new friend to me. i havent talked to them in 4 years. its good to let things go. " lucky numbers 1, 4, 6, 34, 38, 43."

your fogar

have you ever had a day where it seemed like it was going to be a very long day. one where you knew the turnout was going to be bad. yesturday was such a day for me. yesturday was a great day but didnt end that way. i spent half the entire time trying to get foam out of a friends hair. i had a nice walk to subway to get something to eat. never got to roll down that hill though like planned. once i got back to school i just wanted to leave. nothing was right when i came back. i hate people who dont think of others before them. i hate people who dont trust others. i hate people who dont try to make the best of things. must of all i hate myself. it was my falt my night was so miserable. the next morning as well. the thing i like about poeple who arent me is i cant screw up and the next day it doesnt matter to them as much as it seemed. i forgive too much that i dont release it but push it out of the way to bother me another daytill i see the wrongness is what i did. i hate all things. i hate the word love. i hate it when love is overused till it means nothing and i can say i love those white things the seaguls leave on my car. i hate people who protest. i hate people who think they are always right. i hate religious guidelines. i hate pointless rules. i hate people who make fun of people's ideas. i hate poeple who make fun of other peoples looks and style. i hate people who steal. i hate people. sometimes i wounder what i love. i feel like all i can now is people who smell like playdoe.

your fogar

When i came out crap went everywhere. thats how they got my name. people love the end of days and the end of years. they hate death but love life. they hate starting a year and a day. for why then are they content. content of happyness. never got that,never will.

ive been told i look like a stove. is that possible? i think not my friend. friends suck. all kinds and forms of flavors. i taste like sugar lemon, jasmin, and a tint of pumpkin. my girl friend says differently. i hate that term girlfriend. i hate everything. hate is just like love , but love is harder to achieve. i hate you all. got alot to lose. i dont feel like it. i want to sacrafise my life instead of dying in a bed in my sleep. i dont want to die for a cause i dont believe in either. catmandune for you today.

your fogar