i feel better now. i promised. i still have a boring day ahead of me. its new years eve and i should be at a party.

your fogar

im not deep. i just wrote things. pointless things. and put them out here. when i first started this thing. i ment it to be a way of getting out feelings. they werent supposed to get out to people. just out of my head. did i give too much? maybe. but no. i know you too. you think i dont know when your trying so hard. i know that you can jump up and say this is a new day. there always that one thing you do wrong. you look at it in your head and say what could i have done differently. you think why did he make me another flower? why is he so depressed? you blaim your self. then blaim me. you sleep. you feel like your cheating on me when you think of other people. its hard. to love someone so much and want to live your own life. you dont have to do this and that so someone would be happy. it used to be fun. its mutual. yes. you look away when your bored. you sing when your bored. i want everything to stop what it is. i want to be together. not how it was. not how it is. not how it was going to be. stop.

your fogar

i hate this damn esc button. i type up things all the time and when i just about done i rest my hand on the end of the keyboard and i hit the esc button. dont mean too. not at all. i lose alot of ideas that way. lost email, blogs, reports, the whole thing too. i just hate it. i never use it. purposly anyway. im going to rip off that button and put tape all over it so theres no wa to hit that button again. i just hate it! so much. so much.

your angry fogar

everythings just here to confuse me. empathy, i need to start using it again. im sorry. i need to look and put myself where they are. oh you feel bad, good for you. me i feel terrible. your friends sick great im sad. my problems worse. im smart, god damn it....oooo...thats just perfect. i dont care anymore. my lifes ok. im alive as somepeople would say. good for you. i just had to get things out of my head. its my head! stay out of it. one nose is clogged but no one nose. money is likes words. they only mean something if you believe they do. i talk in parables. like jesus. its not mumbleing, its parables. comparing my self to jesus. downfall of the beatles. downfall of me? the talk of life after these problems. fun oh so fun to me. my depression let me live it. putting you down was never ment. im sorry. tallking in my sleep my father told me. he never told me what i said. dreams of losing my manhood for pleasure and pain, gaining it back with great risk. someone takes it away. steals is for themself. i make do and rebuild what was mine. i had a dream before like that. but it was my family who had mistaken my life as nurishment. made it worthless. powerful dreams come when the head is active. you fall right asleep but your mind takes over. im getting pissed at your hurtful jokes. laughing at my life. im going to make fun of you. since your in such a playful mood.

your fogar

i learned that i dont trust. i lost that a long time ago. i said i trust too much. i was wrong. i didnt put enough trust in people. i was hurting people and my self in the process. im trying to reteach myself how to think. to think positively and to trust. its a habit that i must relearn. for i lost it and now i could lose more if i cant remember what is too much. i was too serious. not enough fun. all i seem to do is remold myself into something which never works. maybe it will this time. i just hope everything works out alright. nevermind....

your fogar

i feel retarded. this site is an outlet. and yet it doesnt seem like it used to. ive talked about many different things. things on my mind. i pretty much seem a little too emotinal about things. once my perception changed, my whole way of dealing with things changed. before everything was so concrete. stealings bad, even if its for your own starving family. i wouldnt steal for my starving family. and now well of course i would if i was starving but that doesnt seem likely to happen. i have a good life, but it sure doesnt seem like it. things change. before when i saw a girl crying because her boyfriend broke up with her i laughed in my head. you know it wasnt going to really last your intire life. i dont know. maybe later.

your fogar

built in one night. how is everything built back in one night? how does it seem to be destroyed the next morning? happyness comes and goes. can trust? what i want to know is everything. im a friend too. feel how does it feel? i hate questions. do they help? they search but for what? questions. fun annoying litttle questions. start something, end it all. laughter is good in certain times. if im sad do i like it when people laugh at me. not really. i put people down. sometimes you think your having more trouble than everyone else. yet you know alot of people have it alot harder than you. you just want everyone to stop just for you and notice but they dont. it keeps going. moving. like nothing happened. someone may stop and help you up but they can't fill that hole. new things come and go. some leave imprints in you, some as small as the icecream man. people care. there is someone out there. i remember when i was a person who cared about someone. they didnt know i cared but i did. days go by and you forget. forget people. others you dont. somepeople are always there. in your head. firsts, lasts, and the one person that was different. if you can touch someone in some way that no one else ever did. then you accomplished something great.

your fogar

i talk about how funny life is and how there are so many coincidences coming from everywhere. for example. i can get a ride anywhere but i have nowhere to go. one persons telling me to do what im trying to do, the same person im trying not to let take over my life. proving they're wrong. proving to myself im independant. i shouldnt be like this. i shouldnt let the attention i get take over me.

was today a break. i had a dream. i was at a school. not really mine but i was comfortable enough. for some reason i looked back and saw you. i didnt know what to do. i started to smile but then i notice what you told me and i turned around. you were just standing there looking in at me. at my back. i then woke up. i went back to sleep. i remember some other things. in a different part, there was a girl. i dont know who she was. no one i know but she was all over me. we were talking and then it got different. then i saw you in my head and stopped. i left and layed down. why is it that when were free we cant move? we cant move at all. i can go anywhere, but. theres nothing i want more to do than what i cant. and thats to walk. walk with you.

stress is fun. it pushes you to do what naturally you wouldnt do. it goes by fast. the days. it doesnt seem fun at the time but it sure changes things. thats how stress comes about. it comes when something threatens or opportunity knocks your head off. sometimes you want that change or you dont. paper due, you dont do it you fail. might fail the course if it threatens enough. you could have a job opportunity. you work really hard if you do well you might get it. if you dont you wont. sometimes its both. you could lose you job or get a better one. you could pass and its the grade that helps or fail and it helps you fail. its the knifle that comes to cut the turkey. or to cut your wrist. its like saying dogs are depressed only when you throw them over a fifty story building. are you playing or not?

your fogar

old aquantences. i feel like im trying to be something else. im writing whats not me when i read it back. i hate using some words. like poser. i hate it but everyone is a poser. you pretend. if i could be myself i would sleep naked eat everything wear my favorite coat and nothing else. no pants, no shoes. just me, my coat, and the fresh winter air. then id fly to school with my wings from the pads i bought. i mean would buy. forgetting friends is hard to do. especially when they mean so much to you. do you know whos that guy all alone?

your fogar

yeah. patience is nothing more than procrastination. if i could spell.

a fogar

feeling tired. today didnt go as expected. activities i expected didnt happen. activities i wanted to happen werent possible. but some good did come out of it like bob said. i found my book. i wanted to read the book "El Club Dumas". and i finally found it. its starts with "the" instead of "el" sometimes but you dont really care. it just wanted to really read this book. the movie "The Ninth Gate" was based on it. thats my second favorite movie. i was just happy because i couldnt find it in the bok store and the copies i could order were very expensive. from $50 to $130 sum dollars. yeah my personality has changed. im happy with things. they arent great but im not dying over them anymore. no more cutting. another thing about my weekend that i found out today will help me out in a way. im happy. is that what matters. happyness. i dont know. im losing attention. thats good, but i dont want to be dragged into a depression again. attention comes from sadness. attention creates happyness. well sometimes it doesnt though. there is such thing as too much. all i want is the people close to stay close. change is bad. change is good. change is confusing. but amusing. im in a tight squeeze this month. i dont know how but everything will turn out ok. it always does somehow. unless caught off gaurd. i remember when my family was going out to dinner and a phonecall came that destroyed the rest of our summer. thats all life needs is one phone call. one word. and it all ends.

your fogar

the smoking head of bob apparently says that it is decidedly so that im going to have a good day tomarrow. tomarrow feels like an okay day. i dont know im guessing. my face hurts. its really irritated today for some reason. im good. well everything feels eriely ok. i think its just that im not used to being fine. maybe everythings going to get better. or maybe this is a peak waiting to end. i dont know. i hate my hypothalamus. thats where our hopes, dreams, fears, and sensations come from. im just a confused little person in a confused little world. everyone is. im starting to talk about things on my mind now. i guess thats good. but their werent many questions that arouse today. well i was eating a taco today. a real mexican food taco that my parents cooked up. they bearly ever cook food for dinner so this was surprising a first. i ate all the leftover tacoswith were like four. and the last one had something in it. it was a hard piece of bone. i hate that. then it just rolling threw my head when am i going to find another. i was lucky it was the last one. thats happened to me plenty of times before. i just hate it. yes we get normal ground beef. i guess they ground alot more into the beef than what their sometimes seems to be in it. food. food has changed humans for the worst. our bodies were built for lasting weeks without food because we used to be hunter and gatherers. the agriculture was discovered. then people could settle down. then technology for agriculture grew better. now most people have more than enough food to eat. somepeople still dont though. more people are becoming obease and diabetic. girls reach puberty alot earlier than before. the miracle of menstrantion used to occur at the age of 16 now it drastically decreased. i could say more on that matter but i dont want to sound obsessed with the idea of menstration. well. people are growing taller too. only a hundred years ago ten year olds and fourteen year olds and kids around that age were alot shorter than the kids aorund that age now. acne and crooked teeth are accounted by diet too. hormone levels are easily imbalanced with the change of diet. same with the timeing of teeth. more and more kids need braces. this is more of a problem than it seems i think. change is good but most of the time its bad.

your fogar

my brains been hurting all day. its school time again and its monday. monday after thanksgiving break. aways a very awaited day. i wish i could speak sarcastically on my computer but theres no real way i can. its funny how culture on the computer has evolved over only a few years. i remember when the internet was just something i heard about and wanted but never had. now it seems to be a neccessity. i have to type papers for school now or else i get 5 points off. that sucks. i like to write on paper more than typing. i can type words that come out. its just i hate copying words. i mean rought drafts and information. yeah. anyways its funny how people have the smiley faces and codes and all. i dont do that but thats just the person i am. i dont capitalize words. thats something i guess. i dont know i remember watching tv and finding out that there some new for of code on the internet. ooooo. amazing. i was trying to be sarcastic again. sucks. well its not as great or amazing as it seems but at least i dont have to capitalize every sentence i write.

your fogar