im tired yet i slept ten hours of my life away. i finally found some sleep and now i must return. im comeing home mom. from my sleepless worlf unknow to you and my father; the whole world to put it better. english is interesting now. i am learning how to actually use mature forms of punctuation. its interesting to find out all tese uses of punctuation have a true purpose even though they are unneccissary. everything is unneccissary. extra letts and punctuation. capityalization. spelling isnot too important if you can catch the meaning in the sentance by it. grammer and usage isnt as important because after a while they say the rules cange and all those meanings chang and letters are lost and people forget rules. i believe it is interesting. people can change things and yet people can create. where do people get the authority to tell others what is right and what is wrong. i understand-france has its own part of government that creates new words and rules to keep the french language original and prevent it from beccoming "tainted" with english/western words.i dont know. im not an english major. its still hard to pick up a book. somebooks you just pick up like everyone always says. words that people always say have so much meaning that people dont realize it. parents tell their children that they will not wish to have grown up; that they will wish to be young again at some point in their life. the children dont listen and they always think that they cant wait to be older. things develope and change, exept our space program. and that stain on my shirt, and that pain in my chest that is alway there from when i was shot. only 3 months of intense physical therapy. question. what is the meaning of life to you? does it mean a family. does it mean sex. does it mean existance. does it mean another chance. does it mean sucess. does it mean a chance to change the world. or does it mean living. my words mean nothing if you cant read. if you can and you can comprehend my subjective correctness. then you have more knowledge then you have had before.

your fogar

i had a dream. i usually dont have dreams so i like to listen to them. i dont remember the order of the dream but i did have two different ones. one was of anarchy. apparently george bush declaired war of his own people. there were no rebels. just really scared people. it started with me waking up to gunshots. i thought they were gun shots then i was like no those are fireworks. but then i looked out my window and i saw an explosion out near a house with a field next to it. this was not the house im living in now. i can tell you that. there was a large desolite land with weeds. then a string of houses along the left side if i look out the back side of the house. smoke is all i saw for i didnt first go to the window when i heard the gun shots. the next thing i remember is that my parents came rushing home and grabbed me and some of our things. then we hopped into the car and drove off. all i truely remember is the fear in me. living in a war zone with an unstable government that is actually against us. but i also remeber that i knew everything would be fine because the people would prevail and then we would have the government restart when clinton finished his term. this was because george w (sorry i forgot that the first time) bush was planting and passing laws that actuallyt gave him so much power that no other part of government could stop him. if we went back to the government programs clinton left us with then we would be back on track. but take a guess where we were going. yea..canada. the place apparently everyone is going if the draft is reenstated. Then my father woke me up when he came downstairs for work.

the second dream was after i was awoken. this was broken up in peices and bizarre. it started with me my father and i dont know if my sister was there but we were looking at a screen. this screen monitored some land close by. possiblyour back yard. this was in my room i believe. anyway. the screen showed one of those automatic robotic mowers. it was mowing and thensome how it gets very vague. the ground breaks up a little in a little spot reveiling a huge cavelike area underneath. this wasnt rocky though. it had green grass and weeds just like the top layer.then we heard a scream or moan from inside. then we grabbed one of my fathers fishing poles because now it believe it turned out this was all special fishing monitoring equipment. so we put a fishing pole with a camera on it down the hole to see if we could see the girl but we couldnt. so i put the pole back and my father and sister went to call the police and find the girl. i stood on top of the trash can with a book on the top of it. then when i left my room i tried to close the door. but it wouldnt close because it was a very old door and the part the doorhandle sort of latched with was worn off. it was replaced with tape and paper the wouldnt let it close. i also saw two signs one with a person with a hawaiian-like straw hat that seemed excited. and then another was anot from my parents telling me that they didnt want me to go to europe. then memories of how they didnt want me to go fearing that they would have to take out a loan. but i instead payed for it myself. i also remember watching out the front window of the house ( i remember seeing a white compact boxlike thing it was either a car or the robic mower) i saw my sister's friends car with was a blue elantra with white pin stripes on it, it seemed like an older year. then i saw my sister try to get out of the front yard with my dad's car with him. there was a party at my neighbors house. they had cars all lined up around the front of the house in a hourshoe like form. they were all nice big suvs. there was a special edition customized suv for the red sox and them winning the world series. any ways, my sister hit many cars while trying to get out. they were only tapes but the owners came out my neighbors house which was a part of ours (a dueplex). they came out kind of angry but the let my sister and dad leave even though they didnt stop. then i woke up in a gradual way. to find the fears still in me but realizing that there is no chaos in the country. only that i had a weird messed up confusing dream.

im looking at two faces. Wondering who is who. what is what. and what to do. i dont know i know what i wish. so why dont i do what i want to do? well i will. i want only one life for me than two stupid using of beautiful lives. it is pointless. but you understand if you read between my lines that i wrote. i understand that life is and is not that complicated as people make it out to be. most people are stupid. i believe everyone is, besides one. me and me only. that is what idealism does to you. it turns you into a god. a sun god of all that is and is not. you can tell yourself what you want to hear. but then back to reality and the realization of realism that comes with opening your eyes. you can see life in the mist of all the troubles you face and then you see why i tremble. i need life to eat me up and bring my heart up and to live and see and feel and realize that i have a life too. i can feel pain. i may be all metal and wire connections. i was built by society but i did keep my feet planted in my soil that i came from. a true begining that was given to me. not by almighty, but by alparental birthgiving sexual powers of biological and reproductive abilities of the human kind. a soul given is but the air i breathe in my first years. my parents gave me that. i can taste the memories on my tongue. i love life and its stupidity. i can dance like im the gayest man in the world and then stop to be the stud. to live a life without care is my truth that i wish to acquire. a life of carelessness of why you didnt ask a thing. i know you wish you were with me. i wish i was with you. i wish i could get together with you. i want to start something maybe it will last maybe only the memories will. i hear the first is the remembered. well how about the fifth. will i remember you. is there something to remember. or will i forget? i hope not. life is coming again. im more that a working machine and a giving old teen. coming out of dependence to see the life i truly have. i will find my penance given to me. and live it to the fullest.

you know what to say thats right. you know what to say thats wrong. you know what to say that isnt right but keeps you moving on. your life reveals your love. the reason we all run. emotion that is too far above, what the thrill that is close to none.

people like me. is it people like me who bring people to hate going places. is it people like me who bring people to do what they do or kick up frustration the way they do. people like me make the world corrupt. how can you stop crime altogether? stop having children you retards.

new reason to meet. more reason for me. i beat you today. but now you'll see. the loving for you. has made me circum. to the world we se. for i know your looks. and i know your life. that you have felt down. that you know now. i see new frowns. on my new face. the face i just made. in my happy place. the one you showed me. on my bed frame. the one you left me. hanging by lace. your own lace. has made me reflect. on who the hell. and what you are. i dont know you. why they hell. what the hell. i dont see. but now you shall know. what is wrong and right. you dont need friends. but with them. it is not as hard. when your life starts. mine will soon end. i will start again. with you in my mind. i cant see this. hanging on longer. life will now move. even now slower. take my shoes. i just cant leave her.

im sorry i haven't been putting in too much insight into this site anymore. i dont use the computer much anymore. i miss the talking with people though. but there are things i dont miss. i called this my outlet but now i dont need it anymore. but im still going to add some insight in here. don't worry, im not leaving. thats what im saying.