i had a dream. i usually dont have dreams so i like to listen to them. i dont remember the order of the dream but i did have two different ones. one was of anarchy. apparently george bush declaired war of his own people. there were no rebels. just really scared people. it started with me waking up to gunshots. i thought they were gun shots then i was like no those are fireworks. but then i looked out my window and i saw an explosion out near a house with a field next to it. this was not the house im living in now. i can tell you that. there was a large desolite land with weeds. then a string of houses along the left side if i look out the back side of the house. smoke is all i saw for i didnt first go to the window when i heard the gun shots. the next thing i remember is that my parents came rushing home and grabbed me and some of our things. then we hopped into the car and drove off. all i truely remember is the fear in me. living in a war zone with an unstable government that is actually against us. but i also remeber that i knew everything would be fine because the people would prevail and then we would have the government restart when clinton finished his term. this was because george w (sorry i forgot that the first time) bush was planting and passing laws that actuallyt gave him so much power that no other part of government could stop him. if we went back to the government programs clinton left us with then we would be back on track. but take a guess where we were going. yea..canada. the place apparently everyone is going if the draft is reenstated. Then my father woke me up when he came downstairs for work.

the second dream was after i was awoken. this was broken up in peices and bizarre. it started with me my father and i dont know if my sister was there but we were looking at a screen. this screen monitored some land close by. possiblyour back yard. this was in my room i believe. anyway. the screen showed one of those automatic robotic mowers. it was mowing and thensome how it gets very vague. the ground breaks up a little in a little spot reveiling a huge cavelike area underneath. this wasnt rocky though. it had green grass and weeds just like the top layer.then we heard a scream or moan from inside. then we grabbed one of my fathers fishing poles because now it believe it turned out this was all special fishing monitoring equipment. so we put a fishing pole with a camera on it down the hole to see if we could see the girl but we couldnt. so i put the pole back and my father and sister went to call the police and find the girl. i stood on top of the trash can with a book on the top of it. then when i left my room i tried to close the door. but it wouldnt close because it was a very old door and the part the doorhandle sort of latched with was worn off. it was replaced with tape and paper the wouldnt let it close. i also saw two signs one with a person with a hawaiian-like straw hat that seemed excited. and then another was anot from my parents telling me that they didnt want me to go to europe. then memories of how they didnt want me to go fearing that they would have to take out a loan. but i instead payed for it myself. i also remember watching out the front window of the house ( i remember seeing a white compact boxlike thing it was either a car or the robic mower) i saw my sister's friends car with was a blue elantra with white pin stripes on it, it seemed like an older year. then i saw my sister try to get out of the front yard with my dad's car with him. there was a party at my neighbors house. they had cars all lined up around the front of the house in a hourshoe like form. they were all nice big suvs. there was a special edition customized suv for the red sox and them winning the world series. any ways, my sister hit many cars while trying to get out. they were only tapes but the owners came out my neighbors house which was a part of ours (a dueplex). they came out kind of angry but the let my sister and dad leave even though they didnt stop. then i woke up in a gradual way. to find the fears still in me but realizing that there is no chaos in the country. only that i had a weird messed up confusing dream.

im looking at two faces. Wondering who is who. what is what. and what to do. i dont know i know what i wish. so why dont i do what i want to do? well i will. i want only one life for me than two stupid using of beautiful lives. it is pointless. but you understand if you read between my lines that i wrote. i understand that life is and is not that complicated as people make it out to be. most people are stupid. i believe everyone is, besides one. me and me only. that is what idealism does to you. it turns you into a god. a sun god of all that is and is not. you can tell yourself what you want to hear. but then back to reality and the realization of realism that comes with opening your eyes. you can see life in the mist of all the troubles you face and then you see why i tremble. i need life to eat me up and bring my heart up and to live and see and feel and realize that i have a life too. i can feel pain. i may be all metal and wire connections. i was built by society but i did keep my feet planted in my soil that i came from. a true begining that was given to me. not by almighty, but by alparental birthgiving sexual powers of biological and reproductive abilities of the human kind. a soul given is but the air i breathe in my first years. my parents gave me that. i can taste the memories on my tongue. i love life and its stupidity. i can dance like im the gayest man in the world and then stop to be the stud. to live a life without care is my truth that i wish to acquire. a life of carelessness of why you didnt ask a thing. i know you wish you were with me. i wish i was with you. i wish i could get together with you. i want to start something maybe it will last maybe only the memories will. i hear the first is the remembered. well how about the fifth. will i remember you. is there something to remember. or will i forget? i hope not. life is coming again. im more that a working machine and a giving old teen. coming out of dependence to see the life i truly have. i will find my penance given to me. and live it to the fullest.