The Connecticut Challenge

Five years ago, after I graduated from college I decided to hike the Appalachian Trail.  For those of you who don’t know, the Appalachian Trail is a footpath through the wilderness that runs from Maine to Georgia.  It’s 2,517 miles of walking up and down mountain after mountain.  It’s a masochistic bastinado torture machine where your job is to hit the bottom of your feet with 200lbs of force for twelve hours a day, seven days a week.

Two months into the hike, I felt myself become invincible.  I was in the best shape of my life.  I could hike 26 miles, a full marathon in a day, getup the next morning and do the same thing.  My legs had become massive and rock hard.  But there was always a point in the day, around mile 16, where they would start to hurt.  Like someone was hitting the bottom of my feet with hammers.

I hiked Southbound, meaning I started in the north and I was heading south.  Two months into the hike I reached the end of Massachusetts and I was heading into Connecticut.  A friend I picked up hiking on the trail named Reset, yeah it’s a weird name, he was thinking of hiking the whole state of Connecticut, all 53 miles of it, in one 24 hour day.  He asked me if I was interested. I thought about how I had just hiked a 20 mile day, stretched, and then said I’ll wake up at 11:00pm and see how I feel.

So at midnight we start hiking.  It’s pitch black out, we can only see due to the flashlights attached to our heads.  30 minutes in, my headlamps dies.  I try my best to scramble up a ledge but I keep banging my shins on the rocks.  My heart sinks I tell Reset that I can’t do it.  We have no spare batteries.  I didn’t plan for this so I wasn’t prepared.

This is a big deal because if Reset goes on hiking by himself and gets hurt at night, no one will find him for hours.  It’s a dangerous situation.  Plus I’m breaking this promise.  I’m pussing out.

Reset says no, we can do this.  He tells me to stay close to him and use his light.  After trying different positions I settle on hiking in front of him with him close behind.  I learned so much about using all my senses that night.  I was standing in front, so I cast a shadow right in front of myself.  I had no direct vision.  I had the opposite of tunnel vision.  I learned to use my peripheral vision, how to feel the trail with my feet, and study the design of how trails are constructed.  

I discovered that trails form a U shape from all the foot traffic pounded into it.  Trails always go around the side of the tree facing a hill.  My reflexes increased to super human levels.  I almost walked dick first into a pointy log.  Good thing I stopped a split second before.  I tripped so many times that night that I felt like Willie Nelson at Woodstock.

Even though we stopped a few times to alleviate Reset’s unfortunate case of diarrhea, we made good time.  We felt strong when we were walking on the flat portion of the trail 20 miles in.  We stopped and spoke to people.  I tried my best to get the most out of the crappy food I had.  I made a powdered hummus shake.  Don’t try it.  It’s not good.

After the halfway point we hit a problem.  We got lost.  There were trail markers leading down a road and I took them.  Reset stopped and said he thought we should turn around after a mile.  I was stubborn.  I said I needed to make sure; I didn’t want to waste the mileage we just made.  I walk another mile down the steep road to a gas station.  I run in, looking at my watch and the precious time we wasted.  I ask the cashier, “ Where is the trailhead to the Appalachian Trail?”  She has no idea what I’m talking about.  “A trail, a footpath through the woods.” Still a blank stare.  “Do you have a map of the area?”  There is a road map.  I pull it out looking for any indication of a trail.  Nothing.  I buy four candy bars and run out. AHHHH! I’m wasting so much time!

I find a trailhead across the street, and it has a map on a post. Bingo I think.  This must be it.  My heart is pounding and my eyes are darting around but I slowing come to the understanding that this is all wrong.  This isn’t the Appalachian Trail.  It’s a whole other trail with a parking lot with a map.  The map shows the Appalachian Trail way back up the mountain.  It was directly across the street from where we exited the woods.  If I had just kept walking straight I would have seen the trail.  It was only a few steps right in from of us.  Instead I saw the markers on the telephone poles and turned down the street and lost 4 miles and 2 hours of my very precious 24 hours.  

I start running uphill on this random trail in the direction of the Appalachian Trail.  I then realize how stupid I was to not take the road.  So, I cut towards the road and realize how stupid that was too.  The side of the road is covered in a crazy amount of vines. I struggle to posthole through until I realize that rolling on my side is far more productive.  

I speed walk back to the trail head and Reset is gone.  He is nowhere to be found.  This is my worst fear.  I lost him.  He was supposed to be waiting for me to report back.  I decide to continue on the trail and after a mile I find him! He is sitting on the side of the trail eating an orange that a dayhiker gave him.  My heart finally settles down.  I feel like I am reunited with my mother after wandering away in Macy’s.

We set back out on our hike.  At our next stop I get spare batteries from a very kind lifesaving dayhiker.  The following snack break is different.  After sitting down for 15 minutes I find it unusually difficult to stand back up.  This is around the 35 mile marker.  I have never put my body through this kind of torture before.  I put my backpack on, take one step and stumble.  Oh my gawd.  I cannot walk.  Reset tells me we need to go.  I tell him I can’t.  My legs are not moving.  The tendons in my legs are acting like tight strings that lost all their elasticity.

Reset tells me, “You can do it! Just start walking.”  I take little baby steps and after 5 minutes I’m finally taking full strides again.  From then on I realize I can’t stop moving.  I don’t know when my tendons will freeze up for good.

We hike through sunset over more mountains with two headlamps this time.  We find ourselves taking more frequent stops.  Our brains are turning into mush and our motor skills are reduced to those of an 80 year old man.  I stop at a stream to take a quick drink 20 minutes after our last break.  Reset sits right down and starts pumping water.  Its clear he is planning a longer break than I had anticipated.  When he finishes pumping, I tell him we need to get moving.  He has settled into his seat because he knows how far we have.  He tells me, “Come on, we only have 2 miles left.”  I reply, “Yeah, but we only have…” I check my watch, then say, “2 hours.”  His face sinks.  I could tell my words hurt him.  But it was just what he needed to hear.  Reset said, “You’re right.”  Then stood up and we walked those last two miles in one hour.

When we reached the road marking the boarder into New York State, we looked at each other.  Then walked directly across it and into a whole new state of mind.  We had hiked across the whole state of Connecticut in 22 hours.  But this wasn’t a challenge anymore.  This was survival.  We both knew we had 3 miles to go till we made it to the shelter.  Our pace picked up and we walked fast.  Sleep was the drug we were craving and the end of this walk was in sight.

After another hour of walking, it appeared that we were close.  We checked what looked like one side trail.  Nope, that’s not it.  We stop near well water pump.  Consider for a second if we should check.  I don’t remember why, my brain was very hazy at this point.  We take too long to decide to explore, so I start to continue walking on the trail.  Five steps in Reset says, maybe we should just look around the pump a little more.  I shout out to him in a loud grumble, “I already started walking!”  He, for some stupid reason, agrees with this broken logic and follows behind me.

Reset and I reminisced on this one situation many times because if the shelter was by the well water, then we would have had to walk 8 more miles to the next shelter.  Luckily it was only a few steps right in from of us.

Deeper

I remember, when I was young, my neighbors had a dog.  That dog was brown.  He ran around the tall trees.  He broke his leg and disappeared.  I didn’t really understand why the dog went away at the time.  My neighbors got another dog soon after.  It was a black female dog that was twice my size.  I remember yelling at the dog, “Stop!” and the dog obeyed.  I felt so powerful.  I learned the strength of speaking with authority.

I remember hiking through my neighbor’s back yard.  I was traveling with a younger boy.  We walked through the tall trees, vines, and thorns.  It was dangerous!  Just two boys squeezing through the thickest jungle covered in the sharpest prickers.  I had a red windbreaker on that soon earned a few tares.  This boy and I traveled to the deepest end of the woods and back.  When we left, we felt like brave GI Joes that have conquered the most extreme terrain.  I learned the power of courage in the face of danger.

I remember playing soccer with the boy and his younger brother.  We were competitive.  I was the oldest, tallest, fastest, and strongest.  I was able to take them both on and keep the game even.  We used trees, swings, and fences as boundaries.  The brothers would get angry at each other and started fighting almost every time we played.  I tried to stop them because I didn’t like watching them bicker.  One afternoon I turn their fight into a joke.  “Stop fighting! You two need to kiss and makeup.”  “Come on kiss!”  They immediately start laughing.  The fight was over.  I learned the influence of laughter.

I remember arguing with these two boys.  “I’m never going to play with you again!” said the youngest.  “Yeah sure,” I said.  Arguing was a regular occurrence.  I had noticed that even if we seem to have the biggest fight in our short history on the earth, the next day, we would start as friends again.  The slate would be wiped clean.  I learned that friendship grows deeper than grudges.

I remember us getting older.  We grew apart when we moved to different schools and our age gap became less cool.  We lost time.  We were lucky to find each other again though.  We got into paintball.  We played with guns and ran into the woods for cover.  We sliced up our legs and teamed up on each other.  The pain and loss would make us angry, but this time we could control the anger.  We bonded a friendship even stronger.  I learned that strategizing and taking risks made life more exhilarating.

I remember us moving farther and farther away.  We would only see each other on holidays if our family didn’t keep us busy.  We partied hard with the little time we had. I was dropped off at the house of a golden god drunk on history some nights.  One of the last nights together we had an argument.  It was over $10.  I pulled some hair and instantly became disgusted with myself.  I left crying.  I couldn’t believe I would do such a thing to my bother.  “You’re my brother! My brother!” I cried as I sat on the road in the middle of the night.  Our bond had grown deeper that I had sincerely recognized.  I learned that family runs deeper than blood.

Turns and turns give me the wonders of what will come next. I just wonder what life will steer me to next. I am larger than ever in my head but I know that I have become forgotten already. Steering for importance kills me. It is an egotistical action that makes me wish that I was not being hypocritical. It is true though. You taste importance and you want more. You crave more. I didn't want to become important at first. I just want to do something. I then wanted to be a part of something. I then wanted to help and feel belonging. I then wanted to become essential. Once you hit essential to success, then your ego grows. People recognize you and you feel good. An amazing goodness that cannot be faked. You can make up awards or you can create fake objects but the words and eyes that are lain upon you change you.

Once this change occurs I reached higher. I reached the top, my full potential. Then when you put yourself in a place where you are not the best you learn the most. Constant learning was very beneficial for me. When that learning ends all you have is yourself to look into. Looking into myself I found another empty vessel with empty promises. There is still much potential to be noticed. I can not wait for the next challenge. Where is this challenge. Come to me now! I am sitting around leeching off the same knowledge that I have long mastered. New new new! I need newness to grow and I am devolving in my own filth.

New dreams grow. I shall reach for one that is attainable now. It will be something that can be repeated multiple times till the end of my time. Some one knows someone who knows someone who did it. I shall be one who did it. I shall walk for pointless countless days for a goals that only a fool would think is acceptable. I have toys. The toy attaining part was fun. I have made reservations and read the books on it. Easy is what I call it. Will it test me? I hope so. I hope it makes me cry, scream, and yell. I hope it makes my heart beat. I hope my mind races and crashes. I hope new lessons are learned. I hope I change. I wish to lose fear of phones, fear of older people, and fear of rejection. I can speak in front of others. I will accept opportunities. I have stumbled over my words and spoken so fast in front of people who look up to me and think so highly of me.

When will that respect return? It is not won in two years anymore. It is something that is won in ten, twenty, thirty years now. Thirty years of respectful action. Stretch out your arms and fall over yourself. Even the effort required to get up and run drains my mind. The after effects are so beneficial. Confidence, health, and investment in the future make me smile. Reach for my hopes and dreams through my goals and actions and expectations and help through service. Channels, opportunities, mentors, advisors, aides, assistants, abilities and lessons shall stick and fit.

I keep saying it but I'm running on E. I have a brick in my seat, had it all day with no time to spare. I wanted something to hand out but the slips shrunk to the point where they wouldn't cut. Pain aint got nuttin to do wit it. I'm not crying about good byes because I'm not leaving. I still have shit up my ass. I have more award ceremonies to worry about. I have to deliver undeliverable packages. Plus on top of that I have to help plan/try to be of some use planning a retreat that no one wants to attend. Something that I have Lost hope for. Wheres my passion? where is this light that I'm asking for. I'll zombie it till I get to study for classes that I can only hope to Be. I have grown yes farther from my friends and family. stressed my pants off to be by myself. I wish someone would grab my hand by force who give me comfort. Slap my face and tell me just to do my shit and let it go. Just quit it all and run away. But I cannot. I must stay strong! Pick and stick is something I said years ago and it fed me well. I must break down barriers and shout in the face of progress. Lets move this on. My mind thinks of collective thoughts and empathy. Lets get this moving with a new dream, not a continued lets put forth someone else's dreams. I want to push for national recognition. Lets move. I could just let my self do everything last minute. it will get done and I will be rushed through everything with my body taking all the tough punching bag rap. I strangle the sun with my eyes everyday when I rest them to the birds song. Too early too late in my day rest myself with no body movement. The free glum that comes with banquets start to catch up with my body. I need that weight lifted off my flesh. Yes society you tell me this but It is what makes me happy and gives me back my confidence. Emotion needs lift and the run releases the anger. The pressure needs relief and it will leave with the beans. Unproductive seems to be a synonym with lateness that rhymes with me. I was early to late rhymes with masturbate. Thats life that everyone sees. So don't tell me that someone runs my life and give me things to do that prepare me for my future. I do to learn for my self to build my confidence to build up to a building of a masterpiece that is my hard work. It is my reason for life. The thing I start, the thing I create. Myself. It's not ego, its my life. I live to live for the experience. I will experience your life if you let me. I just need the confidence to do so.

Your Fogar,
Craig

wah I'm drowning in my own blood. Drive is lost from my mind and all that remains right now is my hope that still seems to move me even though the light is on. I just need someone to let me relase this emotion but now I feel the most ugly as I ever have felt. My confidence is gone as well. I have rejected myself. I had a nice girl as me out. I decided I give her a chance even though I didn't feel attracted to her. Now don't get me wrong for she was not ugly and she wasn't stupid. She knew what she wanted too. I knew what she wanted. But I just didn't feel that way. Continue to when she picks me up and takes me to her room. I figure she will get me drunk while getting my homework done. I felt it was going to be productive. Naaa. All she wanted to do was fuck and you might say dude...fuck. But when you have no Al Hall with you and you are not previously attracted to this lady what happens is nothing. I couldn't move in because I myself did feel attracted to her. I actually did that once before and it sucked balls. Not literally. I wished. That girl was boring and lazy as hell. What it was about was not sex but just the feeling to be liked and okay to get off. Scratch what I said because I'm not going to lie yeah sex would be fun and nice but I don't know this girl just met her not attracted to her fuck I dont get what my actions did. I know that when I'm in a room or when your in a room you would look around and go yeah I'd do her/him. I just always though but now I too high for anyone. ehhh. I just want someone to hang out and to give a nice regular fuck to. Someone that could take the dogpound or the pile-driver. Preferably a broken in funny goof that would drink with me. But why can't I settle in my mind yet. urgh. I'm just too lazy. I don't want to do everything. I had a talk to a lady friend about relationships and how she got into hers. Here is someinteresting insight. When she first started her relationship her manfriend was very persistent. She even told the man that if he wanted it to work that he would have to do all the calling and basically put forth all the effort for the relationship. Sounds like that would be a dick thing to do but now she is very happy because she and her man friend are still going strong after a year or two. I told her that is exactly the opposite of what I want. I don't want to do all the work in a relationship. She told me that it just doesn't work that way. The girl will always be thinking things like does he really like me or does he just like me for the sex? Fuck girl. That just insults me as a man. If you have never had a close relationship where you felt something so much bigger that yourself I'm sorry for you. Not your dick asshole, I was talking about a feeling like adrenaline, a burning in your chest, being so happy that you couldn't give a shit what you were doing together because you know that you would have so much fun either way. A fuck buddy is fun as well but if the girl can't tell the difference if she is only a fuck buddy or a girlfriend then you are retarded. I don't understand why you hate me so. My stress is just building to beat me down everyday every class seems like a C and every group seems to be let down and my time seems to be lost and my goals seem to be late and my time is spent going in fifteen minute periods. Movies of useless thoughts of other useless people. ugh and ugh.I seem to have lost the meaning of fogar but I will give you
your fogar

Dragging on and on...wasting time and money and life because my life is my time and time is money if you turn it into the money that is possible to make. Why do I stay in my room all day doing nothing? Probably because I don't feel like it. so easy to do nothing. where is my motivation? I don't know probably from sex. Will I get any if I do anything today. Probably not...so why am I doing anything. Point made.

sorry about the light but let bring something to your mind. many travels have giving me some reasons to ask why do people use these drugs to impede themselves. now i believe that i wrote something on this long ago. now lets take it out of the box. I propose that it is all nostalgia from your childhood. this is if we talk of alcohol. other drugs are another story and personally i dont have much experience with them. but alcohol yes. i remember my writing on it was written before i had the experience of being drunk. now waystidness, as i shall hopefully call it, is like going back to the womb. we release our inhibitions yet we my know what is right and wrong we may not have any constraint for it. we are more likely to just go with our ideas. pointless things seem far more funny and stupid ideas are great ideas. i have thought many of times if it would actually be enjoyable to be reborn as a baby with the same knowledge and consciousness that i have now. would it really be? not able to have any conversation past what was on tv, or what this action figures name is. you can't talk about anything in a textbook because none of your friends would understand you. if you have babysat and played with the kids it is hard. it is fun in the beginning but it gets boring because it doesn't really challenge any thinking skills besides pretending. you may say that writing needs imagination...well it also requires manipulation of words and a knowledge of structuring a story. otherwise the story will not grab attention or interest. writing about something your interested in, even if no one will read it, is also different. this is because it is more of a conversation with your self. those i enjoy a lot. maybe not aloud but on this blog it is fun. back to the alcohol. when waystid i know that i feel free of my mature constraints. I have seen people get emotional when waystid, some people talk way to much, some people don't do anything. there are many different events that come about but they all lead to something that can be explained by loss of constraint or you can say maturity. one of my favorite effects of the waystidness is the blackout. this point can usually be noticed after the fact but by a veteran it can easily bee recognized for what it is. the turning point in the night where whatever you do you know your going to have a great time and not remember. the stories are a great benefit but the risk is also difficult. puking in your sleep in a big killer in alcohol related deaths. alcohol poisoning can be prevented as long as you know your limits. my limits are small but i know them. my point is not getting across because i am talking about other things but that is alright.
new subject: story attempt...did you take your vitamin c today? no but i will, they put it in everything now. i dont know why you wish for me to take it all the time now. no reason..it just prevents scuvey. we arent on a ship you retard. wee...ar..ent o..mm...a shoo..pp!!!! shut up asshole. fuck you...what is going on today. ahh that idea of writing drunkin journeys was a great idea. and........we should start it. i know your going to start writing and then give up. that's what happens all the time. fuck you. what is with all the potty. im just starting the party! no...you knew what i said. times are changing and language changes. whatever not my problem. i have so much work to do. everyone does. duhhh. this is what preschool? sure is pre graduate school. yeah if thats what you plan on doing with your life. living at school forEVER! foREVER? no FOREv..heyyyy how goes it T? Im good. anything new B? no nothing...lifes what you give it..a sock..whaaa..???he's acting retarded again lets check that wording....yep retard. what's with all the retarded talk? we already talked about the potty ness of our talk today thankyou..A Party?!?!? funny G. but that's not what was said and you know it. it did sound somewhat like party. it's your accent dude. dont accent my potty dude. part? shut up dickface! you need a devil's haircut. ha funny man with the music innuendo. when i feel the snake bi.Shut it! always allow B to take it up a notch. a..waa..a...y..ys a..a.lllo.w screw this. im taking a dump. thanks for telling me B.
going to stop for today

ex hasted with doing much of a lot of pretty much nothing hast fully. I notice there is a sort of glaze that covers someone who is tired and sick at the same time. It might just be my sickness. Sickness gives me a nice perspective to look from. My head doesn't hurt at all. It is only my nose and ears that are clogged with something that impedes them. i noticed i was typing correctly for a second but i quickly fixed that. let me give you something useful that you can use. lets see...Tokay nothing so far i am in need to do work and work constantly builds up but never too much build up that i die. it just builds and builds to a point. i want the hogan to finish in this ice but i know that it won't. there really was nothing very productive. i could wine to you all day if you wish but i don't think that that is necessary. it would be great to you you as a log for my dreams. i know it would be great to get back into typing again. i'm not that bad. i read a chapter in my lucid dreaming book and it looks like it would be a great book but i still have many other to read before hand. nothing in my life is going the way i would like it to. i need to start something going but i have no passion. without passion there is nothing that can be created in a manner that would seem more that a shit job. no pun intended to the people who wish to pretend like they know what i am talking about. i sure as hell have no idea. one more thing is that i don't want you to eat candy anymore you disgusting little hooper. that was one of the most ugliest showings of showmanship that could destroy the earthy cow fat-asses of the herd.
How's my word count? i don't know what to say to that i just don't feel like doing anything right now. one more thing, you stink, one more thing i loved the oldish Jackie Chang show, that was fully. and stupid at the same time. i should get some sleep and then copy this one problem online into my home work. ha what another waste of a weekend. i know that it was ugly but that is all you get. the Zeus surgical system ate all my homework so that the long metal ends are used to slip into the abdomen an eat all the intestines until no one can see there own eyes but who cares. it's only a movie.

I know every child did this when you were young. You got so angry at your friends that you told them or told your own self that you were never going to be their friend anymore. Such is life. Everyone does that. The next morning you go over to their house and ask them if they can come out to play. You are never separated for more than a day. But now your older and more stubborn. Now you can last far more than a day. May be a week, a year, or even a lifetime. It takes a strong man or woman to go up to you so called not friend and talk over your problems. You might just ignore the whole thing as in the past when you were a kid. Either way, don't let a stupid little grudge get in the way of a beautiful friend ship. Who cares if you joked around one time, said something that you didn't mean and pissed off your friend. I sure hope you care, I know I do.

your fogar
craig

Looking for action as in active living life looking for fun. Sexuality is life but passive till night. I know the wants and needs of my own but is that true to my hearts tone. None that I can recall for mainly everything is all. I am staying active mind and body but not with any hottie. The rhyming is just coming so don't be thinking something. Anything gay even though that's the way. Let it go. An old friend is sooo angry at me for stealing his "girl". The truth is that I didn't do any such thing. I only talked to the girl and friendship is what I bring. I don't want to get involved. Though I wish my singularity was solved. I have been asking girls out for fun but yet I have got none. I am trying to find someone looking for action. Active in life and friends. To do something with till the summer ends. Good girls are hard to come by. They say not on the face. They don't like the taste. That was a joke, laugh if you wish. The real ladies from college is what I miss.

your fogar
craig

I feel like I just killed my own baby. I taught her a lesson and myself. You are the nicest person ever. grow a backbone drop me. If someone lied to me flat out and hurt me so, I would just drop them. Why do I have to do that for you? Hopefully you learned a lesson from that. Nothing is your fault believe it or not. That was quite awkward, to tell you that you should drop me. Why am I talking for you? that is why I tried to get you to start things and make things happen. The truth was that I didn't care that much about it. I didn't care enough to take your feelings into the equation. Thats why I didn't want to constantly hurt your feelings. What I wanted to do was to get you to understand that you have every right should break it and take it. Apparently I don't want it enough to care. I care more about my toys than about you. I wanted to get you off the edge. You only pulled me off the edge to safety. Puns were intended as the real words. I didn't want you to get so attached to me that you would forgive me for everything. I knew you would forgive me for everything and anything I did. I was trying to open your mind to understand that your beautiful. you did nothing wrong. I got everything i needed from you but then I started to misstreat you. I didn't want anymore of that to happen. I especially didn't want to make you cry. At least not that much. I still don't believe I did what I did to you. I wasn't mad at you. I was just mad that you didn't put me in my place.

your fogar
craig

Ive ended. this had ended. everything has ended. i need hope again. come back. finish all. get relieved. finish all. i know what i want. i know what i need to do. at least i know that. technology is working. i am moble. i have everything at my fingertips. i have resources. i have my bibleoteca. yes. that is life. living life is life is life. lazy...boring. done. awwe done.
your fogar

antisocial. well. there goes one idea. i need to get involved in one area. all i have is nothing all i have is every alli have is one thing all i have i nothing all i have is never. all i am is a man here in on place, standing alone. with noone. i wish. dont we all. why why is it hard to do and act on one thing, be one thing, do do do do, its done one more thing to do with you is live my life again. i wish i had a reason give it to me. all i have is myself to keep everything together . im bearly here. the words escape me. your too late. im drowning in dimention. complicated.just takeing every thing away from me its taken away now. tink tink tittle tinktink.tittle silence. makes me crazy. let me tidle coming from me i need you so bad. i need a startup. i need to be selfish and i am full of myself. crazy. unpon let me. ripped right through me. pickup . so bad. now its present. im positive. about nothing nothing. no of the thing of an object. selfish and full of my self are the worst things to say to a person. they hurt like a stone in a stomache. for hours. your full of your self. dammit. janet. now and never. its one thing thati need to say . just leave and let it be. why do friends leave for better things. oh we must stay friends. i know how it feels to have someone say that. and i know how it feels to say that...i dont know anything. sure.. i guess. you could say that. that is apossibility if you want to say such a thing.its a possibility. i dont wanna know i dont know what iwanna know . i dont care whatt that is your smelling in the air i dont carei dont care i dont care. because i need to get involved in one area. tanks for quitting on me.

terrential down pour. am i that good? do i need this attention. i have so much ceation to give but now i dont wish for organization please give me credit. myself is the only one to give to you to see this through. dont be selfish and think of yourself as being you. i bet you think this rant is about you. maybe but is mostly about me and my arrguments between myself. i got potential. somebody told me. thats a good idea

your fogar

i need one more life to breathe upon my chest. that is what everyone wihes for ./ i just dont understand. what do i want? what can i have? do i want the best of it? can i have it all? i wish that was true for you. seriously that was actually me. please tell me what i want from you. give me it. i just dont know what to do. i have everthing. everthing but. but butbutbutbutbut. but you know. if i take what i dont have then i lose everything. if i say what you want me to say then i lose everything. but at lease i have you. i lose a good month and lifetime of friendship. so tell me what to do. that is what i want. i wish i couldnt connect myself with people. now i dont have what i want. now i feel what i could have had. do you know how it feel to have something as great as immortality in your hands? then find only a day later that was fake. you know how that feels. do you know how it feels to have a void filled in your body. to be the happiest youve ever felt ever. so complete so relieved. it just takes one. one.one.one.one.one..........

now i feel. my numbness is gone. ive awaken to find everything to be. i wounder where i am. one friend of time. ten of kindness. one of truth. ten of lust. one that i see everyday. when i see myself i see some one. only one never more than fun of fun full nights. then i see someone comfortable with themself. and i wish i had that. that stuff i see in me someone wishes for me. is this true. do you want me? how when and where? why do i have to make everyone happy. why can i be a dirty man. corner rider. seat filler. leaf killer.

one more thing to tell myself give one chance to recover. nope no i can see feel me now. why do you and me. i cant breathe. breathing is so hard for me these days. take one step back. look at yourself. lying dying crying that sounded cool when i said it but hey. its nothing big.

your fogar

im tired yet i slept ten hours of my life away. i finally found some sleep and now i must return. im comeing home mom. from my sleepless worlf unknow to you and my father; the whole world to put it better. english is interesting now. i am learning how to actually use mature forms of punctuation. its interesting to find out all tese uses of punctuation have a true purpose even though they are unneccissary. everything is unneccissary. extra letts and punctuation. capityalization. spelling isnot too important if you can catch the meaning in the sentance by it. grammer and usage isnt as important because after a while they say the rules cange and all those meanings chang and letters are lost and people forget rules. i believe it is interesting. people can change things and yet people can create. where do people get the authority to tell others what is right and what is wrong. i understand-france has its own part of government that creates new words and rules to keep the french language original and prevent it from beccoming "tainted" with english/western words.i dont know. im not an english major. its still hard to pick up a book. somebooks you just pick up like everyone always says. words that people always say have so much meaning that people dont realize it. parents tell their children that they will not wish to have grown up; that they will wish to be young again at some point in their life. the children dont listen and they always think that they cant wait to be older. things develope and change, exept our space program. and that stain on my shirt, and that pain in my chest that is alway there from when i was shot. only 3 months of intense physical therapy. question. what is the meaning of life to you? does it mean a family. does it mean sex. does it mean existance. does it mean another chance. does it mean sucess. does it mean a chance to change the world. or does it mean living. my words mean nothing if you cant read. if you can and you can comprehend my subjective correctness. then you have more knowledge then you have had before.

your fogar

i had a dream. i usually dont have dreams so i like to listen to them. i dont remember the order of the dream but i did have two different ones. one was of anarchy. apparently george bush declaired war of his own people. there were no rebels. just really scared people. it started with me waking up to gunshots. i thought they were gun shots then i was like no those are fireworks. but then i looked out my window and i saw an explosion out near a house with a field next to it. this was not the house im living in now. i can tell you that. there was a large desolite land with weeds. then a string of houses along the left side if i look out the back side of the house. smoke is all i saw for i didnt first go to the window when i heard the gun shots. the next thing i remember is that my parents came rushing home and grabbed me and some of our things. then we hopped into the car and drove off. all i truely remember is the fear in me. living in a war zone with an unstable government that is actually against us. but i also remeber that i knew everything would be fine because the people would prevail and then we would have the government restart when clinton finished his term. this was because george w (sorry i forgot that the first time) bush was planting and passing laws that actuallyt gave him so much power that no other part of government could stop him. if we went back to the government programs clinton left us with then we would be back on track. but take a guess where we were going. yea..canada. the place apparently everyone is going if the draft is reenstated. Then my father woke me up when he came downstairs for work.

the second dream was after i was awoken. this was broken up in peices and bizarre. it started with me my father and i dont know if my sister was there but we were looking at a screen. this screen monitored some land close by. possiblyour back yard. this was in my room i believe. anyway. the screen showed one of those automatic robotic mowers. it was mowing and thensome how it gets very vague. the ground breaks up a little in a little spot reveiling a huge cavelike area underneath. this wasnt rocky though. it had green grass and weeds just like the top layer.then we heard a scream or moan from inside. then we grabbed one of my fathers fishing poles because now it believe it turned out this was all special fishing monitoring equipment. so we put a fishing pole with a camera on it down the hole to see if we could see the girl but we couldnt. so i put the pole back and my father and sister went to call the police and find the girl. i stood on top of the trash can with a book on the top of it. then when i left my room i tried to close the door. but it wouldnt close because it was a very old door and the part the doorhandle sort of latched with was worn off. it was replaced with tape and paper the wouldnt let it close. i also saw two signs one with a person with a hawaiian-like straw hat that seemed excited. and then another was anot from my parents telling me that they didnt want me to go to europe. then memories of how they didnt want me to go fearing that they would have to take out a loan. but i instead payed for it myself. i also remember watching out the front window of the house ( i remember seeing a white compact boxlike thing it was either a car or the robic mower) i saw my sister's friends car with was a blue elantra with white pin stripes on it, it seemed like an older year. then i saw my sister try to get out of the front yard with my dad's car with him. there was a party at my neighbors house. they had cars all lined up around the front of the house in a hourshoe like form. they were all nice big suvs. there was a special edition customized suv for the red sox and them winning the world series. any ways, my sister hit many cars while trying to get out. they were only tapes but the owners came out my neighbors house which was a part of ours (a dueplex). they came out kind of angry but the let my sister and dad leave even though they didnt stop. then i woke up in a gradual way. to find the fears still in me but realizing that there is no chaos in the country. only that i had a weird messed up confusing dream.

im looking at two faces. Wondering who is who. what is what. and what to do. i dont know i know what i wish. so why dont i do what i want to do? well i will. i want only one life for me than two stupid using of beautiful lives. it is pointless. but you understand if you read between my lines that i wrote. i understand that life is and is not that complicated as people make it out to be. most people are stupid. i believe everyone is, besides one. me and me only. that is what idealism does to you. it turns you into a god. a sun god of all that is and is not. you can tell yourself what you want to hear. but then back to reality and the realization of realism that comes with opening your eyes. you can see life in the mist of all the troubles you face and then you see why i tremble. i need life to eat me up and bring my heart up and to live and see and feel and realize that i have a life too. i can feel pain. i may be all metal and wire connections. i was built by society but i did keep my feet planted in my soil that i came from. a true begining that was given to me. not by almighty, but by alparental birthgiving sexual powers of biological and reproductive abilities of the human kind. a soul given is but the air i breathe in my first years. my parents gave me that. i can taste the memories on my tongue. i love life and its stupidity. i can dance like im the gayest man in the world and then stop to be the stud. to live a life without care is my truth that i wish to acquire. a life of carelessness of why you didnt ask a thing. i know you wish you were with me. i wish i was with you. i wish i could get together with you. i want to start something maybe it will last maybe only the memories will. i hear the first is the remembered. well how about the fifth. will i remember you. is there something to remember. or will i forget? i hope not. life is coming again. im more that a working machine and a giving old teen. coming out of dependence to see the life i truly have. i will find my penance given to me. and live it to the fullest.

you know what to say thats right. you know what to say thats wrong. you know what to say that isnt right but keeps you moving on. your life reveals your love. the reason we all run. emotion that is too far above, what the thrill that is close to none.

people like me. is it people like me who bring people to hate going places. is it people like me who bring people to do what they do or kick up frustration the way they do. people like me make the world corrupt. how can you stop crime altogether? stop having children you retards.