going to india. when the something something...sorry i havent been on lately. i tried to write a few times but blogger wouldnt let me in one day. its ok now. i have songs in my head. if tonight is the last night ill see you then tomorrow i will something something away!!!!!ay!!! i had alot of anger and my computer sucks. i noticed another reason my anger cam about from the past few days. not just relationships and people, but in loss of hope. i noticed that i had what i called my last glimpse of hope on religion. it was a chance i gave for my so called god to appear. he didnt and instead everything went terribly wrong. wrong as in anger against my parents, my friends, my aquaintences, and my persons. but revelations came yesturday and today actually. i had my back fixed and i feel happy. im not intirely happy. when i get a 600 i will be. when my school gets a real sports team then i will be happy. as well as amazed. going to india watch all the elephants.

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im supposed to write like the world. write as the ocean and the sea. the water on the back of me without a special sort of glee. i made up my percussions. they were here like candy. the unseen concessions from the beach of sandy. i rymed some words. made them interesting. created a story that was plain and irrlongated. i dont see what i felt. just read the conveyer belt. oo good one. i like the felt and belt. feelings with motion. not emotion. it would be nice to laugh but im moving very quickly. angry not so at a single but at the group of lives untold to me for i dont care basically my story means nothing to them. run on sent with the chlorine fillings i wish i could take. eat the cakes for they are made to bake. glorcon felt like the belt of an overweight man holding on to his health. your strive for health ver weighs your survival. giving a reason for me to notice im not with you but might join. if i stay on my way i too will die. but if i make my mark more people will soon cry. im here for myself but inturn for you. if i must do something it might as well be good. but if i dont reach my set needed deadline then all scenes are mine. take or given i want them back for i shal start anew with a new ppack on my back. give me a reaso to help you out. i wish for i knowthat the man wont show. he never made a face not even for the clouds. ive given my heart. ive given my mind. now what do you wish to take. another pointless dime. new people comeing into my mind. i saw the trapped sneaker ringing with time.

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so, im traveling through my life woundering were life is going. woundering if its my life or others. my life had a bad day. more things happened than i wished. i forgave someone, hated, hurt, let people down, was let down. i was happy you came in with me. i didnt feel lost. wish i could try something new but the knoledge that i cant hurts. im just woundering what life to live. for others or myself which means nothing in return. my return comes from effort when love comes home. security. but if i give up on helpless hopes people die, friends and groups of people break apart. sadness without return. a push wont come. my window is closing and hundreds of days of light will pass till i can open it to choice few. work is reality. desire is fantasy. i want a reason. sending living words are not true but let them go. i wish i could live without life. i just want to fall. its nice when it comes back to the ground but when will i get up. give me your hand. do you trust me. take you away from this but when people believe in uglyness that i dont see i cant comprehend where its comeing from. i wish i could have done something but it wasnt the day. i cant push when its not the day. but when you see the simplest of words you pointed out you see what you have given that day and it not good its not fun. give me a reason before i give up and walk away like a cheeta without its hind legs.

my happenings this point

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stranger danger. thats where my shyness comes from. if i know you, im not shy. no i dont think so. im just uncomfortable with new people. you've heard of if you dont have anything nice to say dont say it at all. well if i dont think of something good to say i shut up. its holding back. ive talked about that before. how i hold back too much. sometimes its good, other times bad. its the hyper nervousness that gets me. my peers not really ifive been around them four say three years. i can go make a fool of myself. come back and be happy. i like to express myself in ways that will benifit other people at times. i might make someone mad at me for a second because they were angry at someone else. overdueing it could make the person feel very stressed. moving someone's anger issoemthing you must do at times. looking a a thesaurous for new words besides time, sometimes, some people, and someone is something you have to do. repetitiveness is not entertaining. its boreing. lacking entertainment. if you lack your carisma, you lack your friends. but hey your people skills go a long way. you have to force yourself to say hi to people youd ont know when you walk on the sidewalk. anything else would be even more awquard. its hard for me to do that. thats why i was happy when i met someone who said hi back. the big wet rainstorms over!

ive lost interest in this writing somewhat, as you have noticed. i have to force my self to write. i dont know what i should write about. well i noticed how much i hate it when people take my ideas. we are learning about the brain in bio and for some reason i hate it. i already know everything about it because i love to rea dup on the brain. i know how blood flow changes in the brain when exposed to different colors. meaning bloodflow is how we read colors apparently. theoretically anyways. i know the parts of the brain such as the hypothalumus were our hopes and dreams lie. plus where temperature and sleep regulation occur. i want to be better than everyone else i guess, but i dont try. as much as people think i do not try though. i do my work thats it. i just remember more than most apparently. i know the parts of a nerve already and all that other stuff. i just want to shout out what everything is and show everyone i know. but i wont because i can surpress my excitment. i hate feeling stupid because it always seem like i get something wrong when i do answer. i wouldnt do well if i had to exchange ideas. thats how things are invented and discovered, but i hate it when people steal my ideas. i cant stand it. another thing is i dont know how to handle a pat on the back or when someone says good job. when say some one says good drawing and takes the picture and looks at it i just want them to give it back. when a teacher says good job on the test i just go blank and go ok. a thankyou i respond in a blank. i mean i might get the right response sinse its automatic but its hard to understand the thankyou. especially from a teacher. thats when i just go blank. when they talk to me. i dont know a thing. i dont know what i ate for lunch or if ill find out in a second. i dont know how old i am unless i count my toes. im flatered. i like the attention but its hard to handle for me. its like how i hate sharp pointy things but i love drawing them. i hate what i love and i love what i hate.

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im not as moody as yesturday. im happy. things went well. besides the 900 word essay im good. what makes me happy. its hard to find out really. i used to know but now i dont. i used to like rideing on a bus just listening to music without careing. now i dont know. i like doing things, just not boring things. i like smiling when i shouldnt smile. i like it when i beat someone im competeing against. i like success. those make me happy. its hard to see what really makes you happy. doing something you dont really want to doesnt make you truely happy. doing something you wish is what makes people happy sometimes. out comes are good. i hate it when people tell me im wrong, but the thing is im always wrong. when i try to prove someone wrong it ends up being me. i dont want to worry but i do. with a full day ahead of me i should get happy. happyness starts with happyness. dont know what i said but i dont care. that man from kenya spoke with a hard acent but i could understand what he was saying. it came slowly to me. evey word took two seconds instead of one to understand. he told good stories, true or fiction, they were good. he got his message to me. i knew what he was talking about. ive only heard it for my whole life. it was religious. but religion connects (links) people to one another. groups form. people share ideas. now its a place on time. i gave an hour a week. yey good for you. what did you do? nothing. oh great. im going to live my life. go waste yours doing crap that doesnt even follow what you say you are doing. kill people for a reason which said to love your enemies. oh yeah you sound perfectly understandable. no. thats retarded. well whatever. have fun. fun being retarded.

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groundhog day. i like that holiday because its as useless as the hair on my back. plus they show that movie, groundhog day. i like how he changes his life in that movie. he plays the day over and over untill he gets it right.

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im so tired and angry. i feel so bad if i could have pms i would.......well i would have a vagina. everything is changing. people are broken up in my life. the best friends of last year are over. they dont see that special friend. its mainly due to life i guess. and as life i mean the relationships we create to create life. life in different ways, but here im talking about my life now. my future goes out about a month. when we were children of say 4 years, we live in the present. we couldnt wait 5 minutes for a candy bar. we wanted it now. if you were promised a whole candybar if you waited 5 mintues or one piece of a candy bar like 1/8th the size now, you know what you would have taken. the little piece. you wanted it now. a few years later you started to understand. you start to understand to not live in the past so much. you wait for the whole candy bar. you can see that in the world today in the market of investment. it is in a way gambling. they might not give you the whole piece. i dont want to wait till things get better. i want to be happy and have time for myself too. i dont like my personality, but hey i can change it. i know i can be sad right now if i want to be. but i cant be happy. at least not now. i want it now. i can wait a day. a week. maybe a month but thats all. i want to whole candybar but i dont want to wait.

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people have problems. you should know that. i know it but i cant understand it. what you should do is find a way to deal with that problem. problems create stress. even if its not a bad problem such as having a party or waiting for something in the mail. check out this site here. it shows you ways on how to treat stress. plus you cant go wrong with those awesome little teddy bears acting out the problems. you might as well just visit it just to see the bears. one thing that i likes was that it talked about what to do if you went to bed and you couldnt go to sleep. read. that always makes me tired. no wounder why i bearly ever read. when i was reading things i read something on panic attacks. the funny thing is a story someone wrote used the phrase "inpending sense of doom". it made me stop because a friend of mine used that. i used the words "somethings wrong but i dont know what". talking like im smart again. i wish i could change my intire person in a day. just wake up a new person. some people can do that but i dont think i can. i dont know. i do know, i can if i try. but, im not willing to. im tired of trying. tired of everything now. why wont my brain let it seems like it is like how it was. when everything was perfect. nothing is ever like the first time. its never the same. once its burned into your brain once, it is never like the first. its always second, third, forth, and so on. it could be the same but your brain wil never let it feel like it is. you wish.

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to fast. when bad things happen they happen fast or slow. never like a normal day. you lose everyday when you just sit at home and do nothing. ive had two snowdays in a row. if you dont know what a snow day is well it is a day when it snows, the roads are really bad as in slippery, or when it is -25 degrees outside and impossible to go outside without swiming through a few feet of snow or freezing the snot from your runny nose. i have exams next week and now i dont have anything to study from. i dont even know what to study. i actually did things yesturday. when i found out i had the day off i watched some tv. i saw an info-merceial like the ones you see from showtime rotisory, or that guy with the exclamtion points all over him. i saw the motovational speaker man who made the tapes on actually doing things with your life. you know the guy from shallow hal. he's tall. well, i wrote down tens goals for the day and i told myself i didnt need to do them. i wanted more out of my day. i wanted to do them. i ended up doing all but three. one was impossible but i know will happen. i accomplished the least likely goals i thought i would. i know youve been told to set goals for yourself. teach your self that you need to accomplish them and al that. well just write down any goals even if they are impossible. everything you want to get rid of. everything you want to do. tell yourself you want more and get that more. well it worked for a day. i cant get motavated enough. you probably have seen shows like that. you tell your self you will do something with your life. you do it that day. the next day it goes right back to what it was like. well it was worth a try right? i dont think it was. you should be more productive. thats how this capitalism works. productive things are rewarded. if you sit and watch tv you wont go far. i wish i could be a child again. those people where right when they said you would wish you were young again once you reached their age. remember when you were 7 and you couldnt wait to be 16. when you were 16 and couldnt wait to be 21. now you wish you could be 7 again. worries over. when you didnt understand much. i wish.

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i wish i had my paper on abuse. i dont know much about abuse. i know theres physical and mental. passive and active. i can't notice them. im not writing for anyone but me. i started writing before anyone told me too. it seems so long ago. as if it never happened. someone told me to write in a notebook or something. they told me i have great ideas. great thoughts and ideas. i wrote things that would hurt but make people think too. the words hurt me. i didnt like that book. but it let me get my feelings out. i hate rereading that book. it brings back too many bad memories. it wasnt a journal or diary. it was something else. it put my thoughts out on paper. i didnt have to organize it. i did sometimes. it calmed me down. it was an outlet. like this site it now to me. an outlet to other people for people to listen to what me, common sense, and other people have to really say. some one used to talk about a book they would just write in and say the things they wish they could in front of people. have you ever held back. holding back is hard sometimes. if you control yourself and think it can help. but you know that sometimes it doesnt. people take you ideas and you get angry because it was in your head but they said it. or maybe you didnt want to give your opinion when some one asked for it but you knew what you were going to say. you knew that you liked that shirt or you hated those pants. you knew it but you never said it. so they bought them and you were haunted by that same thought in your head. i hate them i hate them...because you never said you hate them. you know of other times when you could have said something different whish brings us back to the icecream man. every action creates a whole new life. every new life is a whole new world. its full of new choices to be made. to the world you may just be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

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sometimes someone telling you what you want could actually help. it helps to be told everything will be ok. it really helps when its a random magic eight ball and not a person trying to be nice. thats why i like those random things. even though i hate the word random.

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some people use music lyrics to show how they feel. they isten to the words and see how those words of another fit into theirs. its singing to them and only them. i asked someone a long time ago if songs ment as much as they did then as they do now. she told me they did. she thought they were always speaking to her. singing for her. i never saw it that way till i went into jr high. that was a long time ago. it was oly till then when i actually listened to them. i learned that a song wasnt just entertatinment through sound. but through the heart as well. some songs touched people. even enough to make them cry. they are reminders, foretellers, ecapes, outlets, and messages to people. troubled or happy people. it doesnt matter. song makes people think and tap into their minds, it can calm a person, pump someone up, and even let people loose. i dont like to take words from songs though. they arent my words. i dont use someone elses words to explain how i feel. they are not about me. my words are. people need to live their live as their life. not in a song.

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i feel rage. i feel rage. i am happy. i feel like someone stabbed me. i feel like someone cleared my head. i feel tired. i feel screwed with. i feel worthless. i am worthless. things work out. people break promises. people beg. and beg. and beg. people tease, and hurt. people who are there for you just want something from you. i cant trust anyone anymore. where did that happyness go. i lost it. then i found it by casting someone down. then i found the exact opposite i was looking for. i saw a red letter. opposite's e. stabbing me twice. i am worthless. dont bring back what i though would be. i knew it wouldnt happen but i wanted to pretend. stop it. it hurts.

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some people say they love your eyes. some people say they dont understand the big things about eyes. some doctors examine eyes to see if you have a disease. they say that it is just a scam. i guess. there was a bizarre phenomena that there was a boy named Ken whose eyes literally said something in his iris. it said the latin phrase "DEUS MEUS" in his left eye. which means my god. in his left it said "ELOHIM". which means god. some said they didnt really see it. people only see what they want see. sometimes it isnt exactly there but their mind makes it seem as though it is. some people say you look into a person's soul when you look into their eyes. the first thing you most likely see when you look at a person is their eyes. you can tell if someone has a cold or hasnt gotten any sleep by just looking at their eyes. i guess thats where the eye examining doctors got the idea. the iris of the eyes thins and the pupil enlarges when you talk to someone you are interested in. your eyes water when you are depressed and can bearly stand pain. there is so much you can see in a persons eyes. you can tell if they are happy or sad. angry or glad. some people think you can even tell a person's personality just through their eyes. women in some religions can only show their eyes. everything else is hidden by a shawl, cloak, or mask of some sort. but you can see their eyes and thats all you really need. all you need to do is look into their eyes. then you can see the person.

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is this the hole people go into. ive never seen this hole before. its different. this hole seems endless. yet im still standing. i can see the light out of the top but it seems to keep fading away. no one can hear your cries. people dont even know the hole your in. im trapped but it will take me time to collape the corner in the round hole. only then can i come out of the hole. but how i got here keeps me from trying. trying to get out of this hole. throw me a rope and help me understand. help me out of this hole. talk to me and comfort me. dont tell someone else to help me out. it will take to much time to get here. do it yourself and then you can leave. but dont sit there and wounder. unless your in this hole with me

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i never saw what the young boy was doing. he only said to me that we were here. i asked were but he just said here.

i want to see in peoples minds again. i want to imagine people bald. its fun and you learn alot about a person once you do. bald men, women, hairy ladies, just people. i want to hate the word random again. for nothing is random and everything is ever changing for no reason. well, to exist. i dont have a reason, does that mean i must find a reason or that a reason doesnt really matter. i guess it doesnt matter anymore. maybe the reason was to learn you dont need a reason. life is all you need.

did i learn. did i change. on top then you fall off and you cannot remember why only that. our terrible fallicy is our mind. our ablility to exist comes from the same thing that ends it. it may seem unusual but its the same for all living things. if you can breath water, you end up on land somehow then you will die. unless you can breath bolth air and water. can you breath air and water? i know i cant. can i survive my own growth?

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im sorry about not making much entrees. a few of them were deleted, and i havent had much time during the holidays. my sister was hurt and had to go to the hospital. plus there were xmas parties and birthday parties.my sisters back to her normal self not careing what her parents say. little rebel. its better than what i do all day. today i just woke up and my fingers hurt from bowling yesturday. its the only thing that i enjoy getting out of the house for this time of year. i need a better ball. mines like 50 years old. i've been taking instructions from people so my shot has been changing. i still suck. i got another 500. thats good for me. something to be happy about. i mean besides everything ending in one day. i went to a family birthday party. found out our big spring break trip was canceled. my sister broke her back. parents brawled. and i ended up at home awake all night answering the phone because of worried people without a clock. that was one of the worst days of my life right there. thanks for being there. yep you sure know me.

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i feel better now. i promised. i still have a boring day ahead of me. its new years eve and i should be at a party.

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im not deep. i just wrote things. pointless things. and put them out here. when i first started this thing. i ment it to be a way of getting out feelings. they werent supposed to get out to people. just out of my head. did i give too much? maybe. but no. i know you too. you think i dont know when your trying so hard. i know that you can jump up and say this is a new day. there always that one thing you do wrong. you look at it in your head and say what could i have done differently. you think why did he make me another flower? why is he so depressed? you blaim your self. then blaim me. you sleep. you feel like your cheating on me when you think of other people. its hard. to love someone so much and want to live your own life. you dont have to do this and that so someone would be happy. it used to be fun. its mutual. yes. you look away when your bored. you sing when your bored. i want everything to stop what it is. i want to be together. not how it was. not how it is. not how it was going to be. stop.

your fogar